WHERE ARE THEY NOW: DAVE PARKER

Dave Parker was one of the original Castlehurst players from the "coach and horses days". He wasn't always pony at football either. At one stage in 2002 he was a prolific striker, However when we packed up he was just a geriatric winger. The 42 year old lorry driver played in our last ever game when we were desperate for players. He had to be resuscitated 3 times but he eventually made it thru the match still alive and after 3 months in an intensive care unit at heartlands he was as right as rain.

Since the team fell on it's arse and died Dave has flourished as an individual. His highlights from the last 12 months include getting raped in an alley way just shy of the Raj and cutting down by half the amount of time he has to see Richard Cupples. By far the biggest highlight of Dave's post Castlehurst life is having the honour of living with a hairy arse horrible bastard called Phil. (Me!)

Since hanging up Tony pitt's boots Dave has had trials at the old baily, Birmingham Crown Court and the Solihull magistrates court. Football wise he did turn out for the local blind team but got taken off at half time for marking his own players. He has also made appearances for a series of over 35 teams but has been asked to leave by all of them for being too old.

The self proclaimed laziest bastard in the world makes a lucrative living delivering Dildos and tampax in an 18 ton wagon. He has managed to hold down his job despite having 57 points on his license. To drive his wagon Dave has to sit on a booster seat and wear 12 inch platform shoes so his hoofs can touch the pedals. This is because Dave stands at just 3 foot 1 inch tall, a clear two inches shorter than his hair.

In summary, Dave might not be the most gifted or good looking player in the world. He might not be that good at anything but you have to admire his bouncebackability. Despite having at least one near death experience per game he kept turning up. I would personally like to wish Dave all the best for his last few years and good luck with the hip replacement pal.

PREMIER LEAGUE WANT CASTLEHURST REVIVAL

With all the talk in the media about the premier league wanting an extra fixture for each team to be played abroad, some have been asking the question, “How will this work”. It was first suggested a load of bollocks idea that we’d draw teams out of a hat and some would be seeded and all that crap. That idea was thrown out by most people as unworkable, or in other words an absolute load of old shite. However, the news coming out of the premier league HQ is the suggestion that the 39th game for each club should be played against a team outside of the football league from the amateur game. Since this suggestion Castlehurst FC Est 2005 have been on the top of every major newspapers’ and pundits’ list as the team that should become the 21st team in the Prem.

I received a call from Mr Scudamore late last night begging me to try to reform the old team which included such Sunday league superstars as Stuart “ping pong bollocks” Horton and Duncan “the bastard” Goldie. At one point he started crying which I thought was a bit much so I agreed to give it a go. I managed to broker a provisional deal with Mr S in which the club would receive an initial payment of £25 million so that I can clear my bar tab at the coach and horses. The rest of the money will go towards the manager Danny Baldwin’s lunch expenses and buying Dave Parker a new heart and lungs of some dodgy Turkish geezer so he’ll be able to play again.

Upon hearing the news premier league managers reacted positively to the media. Harry Redknapp hailed it as a momentous achievement if this goes ahead. Speaking to the Sun newspaper Harry said “I’m as excited as a puff with a bag of dicks about this news. Initially I was against the idea of a 39th league game abroad but if Castlehurst come on board it changes everything. Some of my lads grew up dreaming of matches like this. Can you imagine facing such players as Mark Griffin and Stuart Flint. It’ll be a real test for any premier league team.” Sir Alex Ferguson said to sky sports news “This is great news. If it does happen I can see all those James Steven Barry Burrows shirts flying off the shelves in places like Sydney and Kuala Lumpa. It’ll be like playing in the champions league final year after year.”

The countries linked with hosting some of the extra games are also delighted. The president of Malaysia Cock Piss Wi said “When I heard the news I was like a dog with two dicks.”

Fabio Capello’s ears were pricked up when he heard the news. The Italian bastard who is the current England manager has been looking to make wholesale changes to his team and the reformation of the Castlehurst squad would give him 16 new players to choose from. Stuart Horton would of course be ineligible for call up because of that 10 minutes he played for his home nation the people’s republic of Congo back in 2006. The return of Castlehurst would of course also mean the return of his favourite ever player James Steven Barry Burrows. The flamboyant all rounder was courted by MrCappello when he was manger of Spanish minnows Real Madrid. At the time Castlehurst rejected a multi million pound offer for the player.

I can’t see it happening myself though as we used to struggle to get players to turn up 200 yards from their homes on a Sunday morning. As soon as some of them see what’s on offer in some of these bars in south east Asia I don’t think we’d see the bastards again let alone expect them there for kick off. I think I’ll let the premier league know they can stick it up their bollocks.

CASTLEHURST PLAYERS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW

Since the demise of the club in the early part of 2007 the Castlehurst players have mostly stayed in touch with each other and the management team. We will be writing about their journeys thru the last 12 months since the end of the glory days of Castlehurst. We will start with an old crowd favourite…..

RICHARD CUPPLES

Since being dropped from the Castlehurst squad in 2006/2007 season for being crap at football the bi-sexual left footer has had an interesting time. Initially he joined Castlehurst’s local rivals Hillbernian in a move which included a substantial compensation package for Hillbernian. He started a few games for the relegation contenders even bagging a consolation goal for them against us in a 5-1 thrashing. He was eventually forced out of the club after they moved to the Skegness and district Sunday league without telling him.

Since he hung up his size 2 and a half puma king boots in 2007 Cupples has focused his attention on his career as a door to door salesman where he terrorises little old ladies into giving him their pension money. He has also now changed his sport of choice to the game of cricket, a game which has been in decline since he took it up. He plays for the castle Bromwich cricket club in the 4th team reserves where he ‘opens the bowling’. Presumably this is to get his stint out of the way so they can get on with trying to win the match. He is then tucked out of the way tight on the boundary where opposition batsmen are offered bonuses of up to £500 if they can hit him in the Cannock. There is also an accumulating bonus pot for the man who can catch him square in the bollocks with the cricket ball. As this is a very small and difficult target to hit, the pot now stands at £14000. I personally pledged 4 grand of that myself. The thinking behind this is that if you hit him hard enough it might rule out the danger of him reproducing one day which, lets face it, is a bigger worry than climate change.

He also has a very successful part time career doing the before pictures for the advance hair studio. There’s more hair on Duncan Goodhew’s bell end than there is on that bonse of his. He’s also got no pubes.

He recently spent 3 months working with teenagers in the welsh town of Bridgend. That town has subsequently been in the news so you might want to look that up.

In summary Richard has had an eventful 12 months. He still shows his face down the coach and horses public house from time to time where he is usually greeted with a round of F’s by the regulars and most of the bar staff. He usually comes when the disco is on at the weekend making several requests for ABBA chesney hawkes and the cheeky girls. He dances round like an extra from the wedding singer for a couple of hours, has 4 J20 spritzers, passes out, pisses his pants then gets carried home. Just a regular Saturday night out.. God bless u Cupples.

MISSING PERSON

£2.73 REWARD

Has anyone seen this man. We can't write about where he is now because no cunt knows where he is now. He was last seen wearing a British Gas uniform in the William Hill book house, Castle Bromwich

R.I.P CASTLEHURST FC

It pains me to say it lads, but Castlehurst FC is officially finished, over, finito, terminated, wrapped up, dead! You get the general idea.

Its a sad end to what was, after all still a glorious beginning. I cried like a baby the night we finally announced it was all over. My pillow was soaking wet!

After all, if I was a stranger reading this website over the months I would have thought that this club is going great guns. 3 months ago I wouldn't have even thought about the club folding. We were planning total domination of the Sutton & District Sunday league.

The reality finally dawned on me that we were going to fold when I was stood in the changing room with only 10 players ready to face top of the league, when someone suggested that I play. It's the end for any team that has to rely on me to put a kit on just to fill the starting places!

The blame for the demise lays solely at the feet of Richard Cupples & Tony Blair. I'm not sure why but they are usually to blame when things go wrong. Dick Cupples didn't help by demoralising the players every Friday with his tiresome tails about his incredibly small penis and his severe lack of body hair. And as for that Tony Blair. I've been fonder of some boils I've had on my arse than I have been of that fella. I'd sooner let Mark Hubbocks run the country than that tit. (Nothing to do with the football. I just don't like the fella!)

So this is the end of my girlish rants about how good we all are at football and how shite cupples is at everything. For some it will be sad but for most it will be "stick your Castlehurst.com up your bollocks we've got myspace now".

So until we start the team up again and keep it going till we all can't be arsed any more I bid you all goodnight and god bless.

PS Dave Parker did have to be resuscitated after the game against Castle Vale Jags but he came round after 2 days on a ventilator.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE OF THE FACES!!!!!!

WHO IS THE REAL STAR? OOOOOOOOOOOO MATRON!!!!

I HELP OUT WITH WASHING CUPPLES' MOTOR

ASSISTANT MANAGER PISS CRARKER IS SACKED!

The newly appointed deputy manager Mr Piss Crarker has been sacked with immediate effect. Mr Crarker was appointed as the new DM at the start of the season where he promised his dedication and wealth of footballing knowledge to the club.

He started brightly turning up on time for almost every pre-season friendly but things have since been on the slide. After turning up midway through the second half against Aston Old Eds and not turning up at all on Sunday it was the final straw for the management team.

But that isn't the main problem. He has a real bad influence on the players. He often takes them out with him on an all day booze binge on a Saturday including trips to the Coach and the Farthings. Waking up on a Sunday morning in a pool of piss with a banging head is not the ideal preperation for a match. But welcome to Chris Parker's world.

He also let the club down when he promised us that he could get a sponsorship deal with the Sea Queen fish bar advertising their fish cakes. He is the sole reason that the low quality fish bar still stock the grease based snack. However, the only deal they were willing to strike involved us getting free fish cakes for a year. Chris was well up for the deal but as half of the team have been hopitalised during the last 18 months because of the food at the Sea Queen, (including one case of MRSA) Castlehurst politely turned the deal down.

There is a chance that he would have been able to get Benny Hills to sponsor us. He single handedly paid for the latest shop revamp with his long losing streak. The last time he won his Saturday football bet Oldham Athletic were his premiership bankers.

It is thought that he will now move away from football completely and concentrate on his successful career as an Avon lady. In a parting shot at the club he said "You can stick your Castlehurst up your bollocks!"

Catlehurst will of course be putting together a severance package which will include 20 packets of plain crisps and a super sized Dairy Milk.

DANNY BALDWIN PROMISED AT LEAST £6 TO SPEND IN JANUARY

With the January transfer window looming Castlehurst manager Danny 'the ginger bearded piss flap' Baldwin has been told he can expect a transfer kitty of at least 6 quid. This war chest should be in the form of Primark money off vouchers which will increase it's value as your average Primark store only has a total stock value of less than 6 quid! Not that I'm knocking Primark. I'm wearing a pair of Primark pants as I write this article.

Danny has got certain targets in mind but the transfer window will be the perfect time for Danny to offload some 'dead wood' from the team on to Hilbernian as he has done in previous windows.

Danny has been tracking a wheel chair bound Tunisian for the past two seasons. He sees the Blind, Deaf right back as the ideal replacement for the ageing Stu Horton. The surprisingly agile youngster named Moses has already agreed a contract with the club. Part of the deal is that he gets to live with his friend and countryman Carl Green. Danny was looking at ex Villa player Djemba Djemba but opted for the blind cripple instead.

Danny is also eyeing up a female striker who plays for a local women's side. That has nothing to do with football though. He's just eyeing her up.

Danny has been in talks with the club sponsers Camlec to see if they can provide more funds for the transfer window. There is talk of them sponsoring Danny's and my Derbys. That way they will have an advert that can easily be seen from space.

Matthew Strong of the Camlec Coperation PLC has promised that if we win the league he will personally pay for all the players and supporters to go on a luxury Caribean holiday next summer complete with £2000 spending money for each person. Granted that was after Sunday's match against Aston old Eds. His money certainly looked safe there!

There will also be a boot deal done by the size of the players boot. They will be paying £2.50 per adult size. For example if I was a player, my size 11s would fetch us £27.50 quid. Therefore they will be sponsoring Stu Horton's boots for £3.75 and James Burrows' boots will fetch a cool £1million!

The players have all been warned about this transfer kitty and the desire to bring in fresh faces in January so Danny will be expecting place saving performances over the next couple of weeks. However the players can breathe a sigh of relief this week as Danny is booked in for a scouting session at Birmingham City FC.

JOHN ARNOLD NARROWLY MISSES OUT ON EUROPEAN PLAYER OF THE YEAR PRIZE

Castlehurst crowd favourite John Arnold narrowly missed out to Fabio Cannavaro in the European Player of the year award last night.

The slightly talented left back, who has shades of Jimmy Hill about him, was beaten to the prize by the highly rated Italian. Cannavaro said after the awards ceremony "I honestly thought John would win it. I saw him play against Castle Vale Jaguar and he was awesome. What a player!"

The recently married 42 year old has had a mixed season. His place was briefly taken by Ben Toon who recently left Castlehurst to pursue his career as a Milky Bar Kid impersonator. He has now firmly re-claimed his place in the high flying 4th division outfit.

John (pictured below) is a dedicated professional. He spends hours in the gym every week.


It was his performances in last year's Intermediate cup that made him shine and earned him the nomination for European Player of the Year. He was delighted when he found out we'd won it. As you can see from the picture below, he celebrated hard.



Fabio Cappello was also at the awards dinner last night. He was quoted as saying "My honest feeling is that the prize should have gone to James Burrows. I have long been an admirer of his. But seeing as James was not nominated, I do think John Arnold should have won it. Against Hilbernian he was wonderful."


Incidentally, James Steven Barry Burrows has been side lined for the season after a freak injury picked up on the actual side line during Sunday's semi-final defeat. A stray water bottle thrown by Oggy Strong that was meant for Dave Parker's bracket actually hit James on the shin. The specialists at Lilleshall have told James it could be career threatening and a January transfer to Real Madrid or Barcelona now looks unlikely.

So well done to JA for getting this far. One day he may be forced to leave Castlehurst to better his career. If he does, this is what he might look like in the Premiership.

DODWELL'S LATEST PLUMBING JOB GOES SLIGHTLY WRONG

GLORY BECKONS ONCE AGAIN

Once again we have reached the semi-final of the much sort after Adam Dauncey Cup. I remember one cold horrible night back in March when we went down to the mighty Coach & Horses in the final of this glorious competition. What a bastard that was!

I remember it like it was yesterday. The stage was set. I'd had 12 pints even before kick off and by the time we did kick off, me and Chris Parker had 4 pints of frosty lager lined up at the back of the dugout. This was all just to calm the nerves though you understand. We did also get told off by the linesman who said it was illegal to drink on the touch line??

That night we were beaten but this time I hope it will be different! First we have to beat those notorious sausage jockeys Highcroft in the semi final. I hope Andy Peters is playing again. I'm going to bring my Ed the Duck with me to try and distract him.

As it is a semi final we are hoping for a massive crowd. We are at home and the team are playing well. I expect us to get one over on the old nancy boys are us XI and progress once again into that wonderful final.

The final will again be held at the 825 capacity Sutton Coldfield Town ground. This is now the stomping ground of ex-Blues player Paul 'still small enough to get into the wacky warehouse' Devlin.

Richard Cupples might be at the final if we get there but much the same as last year he won't be playing. He is well into his new and exciting career with 4th division strugglers Hilbernian. Their visit to Arden hall on Sunday coincided with the circus coming to town. They ended up getting spanked 5-1 with Danny Baldwin putting in a wonderful display as referee. There was embarrassment for Richard when he opened his kit bag and realised he had bought his ballerina gear instead of his football gear. Although part of the Hilbernian kit is a tutu he still had to go back and get his size 2 and a half gola boots.

In conclusion. Get yourself down to Arden Hall on the last Sunday of the the month. You'll get the finest football the Sutton and District League division 4 has to offer and after the game the John Arnold has agreed to buy everyone who turns up as many drinks as they like.

MAN UTD EYE UP BALDWIN TO SUCCEED FERGIE

Our manager Danny 'the second best lookin fat bastard at Castlehurst' Baldwin is being approached by the Man Utd board to move to the North West giants when Fergie finally hangs up his chewing gum.

The board have been very impressed with Castlehurst's start to the season and with their amazing cup runs last year. Danny's reputation rocketed when Castlehurst claimed the Intermediate Cup last year.

On hearing the news Fergie said "I've always admired the cunt. The Intermediate cup is not an easy cup to win. I started my career in a similar league to the Sutton league. They call it the SPL these days."

It is thought that part of Danny's plan is to take Richard Cupples with him to Man U to deflect the hatred off Christiano Ronaldo. Instead of Fergie's trademark gum chewing on the side line, Danny will chew on a pastie through the game.

Danny (pictured below) will not be easily prised from the club he built from nothing to become 6th place finishers in Sutton League division 4.

Apparently having been offered a £2 million a year contract he was still unsure. They sealed the deal by promising him a repeat of the food fight against Arsenal.

He will be offered several perks including free Just For Men for life and free home on Moss side which is very similar to Shard End and will stop him getting homesick.

There are many similarities between Baldwin and Sir Alex. Like Fergie, you can't always understand him depending on what sort of Saturday night he's had.

They are both iimmovable objects. Fergie for his wonderful reputation and Danny for more basic reasons.

They are both obsessive. Fergie about Utd and Danny about that porno in his room that Dave keeps nicking.

They've both won trophies. Fergie has won the European Cup, the European Cup Winner's Cup twice, the European Super Cup, the Scottish Cup 3 times, the Scottish League, the league cup twice, the FA cup 5 times, the charity/community shield 6 times and the English Premiership 8 times. Danny has won the Intermediate Cup once.

Can Baldwin emulate Fergie? Winning the prestigious Adam Dauncey Cup this year will surely put him on his way.

YOUNG GIRL EXAMINES ELLIOTT'S LATEST INSTALLATION

ANOTHER BOILER CHECKED OK BY JAMES

PHIL RYAN - THE FAMOUS FACE. HE DOES GET AROUND

A NEW LOOK FOR DANNY BALDWIN

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

Our generous sponsors for the past two seasons have been CAMLEC. A big thank you to them for their support. We are currently negotiating a deal with them to re-name our ground to CAMLEC hall park instead of Arden Hall Park. I've not talked figures with Colin yet but I think a £1 million 5 season deal should be a fair price.

CAMLEC have kindly agreed to donate £500,000 this year to keep the club going and to pay part of Danny and My wages.

If you need your heating done call CAMLEC. I wouldn't call British Gas because a certain Mr Coffman might come knocking. If you are forced to let him into your home to look at your boiler, whatever you do, don't strike a match!

CAMLEC also do electrical type stuff so I would use them instead of N.G. Baileys. This is quite obvious as any company that would willingly employ Carl Green for 6 years is clearly badly run and I would even say quite dangerous.

There is also Osbournes that Mr DJ Jauncey is employed by. I've seen that Osbourne on the TV and I certainly wouldn't trust him with my fuse box.

In conclusion, CAMLEC are the best, or at least they will be as long as they keep giving us money.

Disclaimer: British Gas would like to distance themselves from James Coffman and insist that his actions have only caused the serious injury of 5 people and the death of just one. All of the other cases were just minor burns and mild cases of gas poisoning. N.G. Bailey have issued us with a statement insisting they would like to cease the employment of Carl Green but they have got to keep their quota of asian workers up.

Everything written above is totally untrue. Except the bit about the money CAMLEC will be giving us. I hope!

HIT THE BAR (3) with Stu Horton

Yes, it's back. My little window, in which to chat bollocks for a couple of paragraphs

Wow! What a start to the season for Castlehurst FC. With seven wins in eight games, and the successful fazing out of Richard Cupples, the mood within the Castlehurst camp is somewhat exuberant.

So what is this season's good form down to? Personally, I would like to pay tribute to the clubs forwards, who have been consistently adequate all season.

First of all, there is the club's ever-present number nine, and extra-duck negotiator, James Coffman. Whether you ask him to or not, James will happily inform you that he averages at least a goal a game for this season. It is also worth noting that that this is the exact mirror opposite of his form, last season!

After being dropped for the opening match of the season by managerial mastermind, Danny Baldwin, the flamboyant striker, Chris Lloyd, has answered back with a barrel load of goals, including numerous hat-tricks, which have aided the team to many victories.

Even 'sicknote', Stu Flint, has been in good form. in one match I recall him coming off the bench to score a hat-trick, in front of a jeering away crowd.

The key though, has been the form of Duncan Goldie. Used to playing as one of two strikers for most of last season, Duncan has now found himself in a different role, behind the front two, filing the hole!
More of an attacking midfielder, Duncan likes to see a hard tackle. And being very much a team player, never complains if he's pulled-off at half time.
A joy to watch, Dunc will spray it around majestically, and penetrate the opposition back-line at will. Although not a fan of getting into the box, he has already scored with a couple of delicious benders, this season.
Yes, despite moving him around, I believe that Danny has found Duncan's favorite position.

Lets hope that things continue this well for Castlehurst, for the rest of the season. Im off to sell a kidney now, so that I can afford a couple of pints of price-inflated Carling, down the Coach.

Cheerio.

BECKHAM TO JOIN CASTLEHURST?

It is now common knowledge that David Beckham is not happy with warming the bench at Real Madrid. Rumours have been flying around that one of his potential destinations will be Castlehurst FC. In a recent interview with a football magazine Beckham stated, “I’ve played is La Liga, I’ve played in the Premiership, There are only two big leagues in Europe left for me to play in. Serie A and the Sutton and District Sunday league.” He went on to say “I’m not sure about Italy. I’m not a big fan of Pizza and pasta gives me the trots. I’m also a bit thick so learning yet another language could be quite difficult seeing as I haven’t mastered the English language yet.”

The rumours of the DB teaming up with our DB (Baldwin) were made even stronger in the light of the below photo. Here we see Danny Baldwin on Miami beach with Beckham. It is believed that Danny is desperate to sign the ex England captain in time for the latter stages of the Adam Dauncey Cup.
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It is said that Beckham has been promised the number seven shirt as part of the deal. The deal itself could be worth a few quid to Beckham. Danny has already said that he will be exempt from having to do the soccer six and will not have to pay subs. He will also only be charged £1 for training compared with £2 for everyone else.

Apparently Danny and Phil have already shown David and his wife Victoria around the local area. As you can see below, she had an excellent evening in the back room of the Hunters when she was here.

Victoria likes to shop and Danny and Phil took her to Erdington High Street and Chelmsley Wood shopping centre. She was very impressed by what she could buy for a pound at the pound shop and marked Bewise as a shop she would definitely go back to. One eye witness said “I couldn’t believe my eyes! Victoria Beckham in Chelmsley Wood. I heard her keep going on about how good looking the two guys with her were.”

It was reported that the Beckham’s were house hunting in the local area. They looked at a two up two down in Shard End and a flat with a lovely view of the M6 on the Bromford Estate. David is looking forward to playing with some of Castlehurst’s biggest stars. Apparently he always backs Dodwell whenever he’s racing and he’s an avid fan of Stu Horton’s column on this website.

A transfer fee has not yet been agreed but it is believed that there will be a swap involved. As revealed earlier in the year on this website, Fabio Cappello has long been a fan of James Steven Barry Burrows and it is believed that the deal will be that Madrid get James and Castlehurst get Beckham plus £20million.

TOYS AND DUMMIES HAVE BEEN THROWN!!!

It has been an increasingly growing concern that from the first game of the season a few players have thrown there dummies out when they have either started on the dame judy or have been brought off during the game. Not naming no names but, David Parker, organised a friendly all by himself during the pre-season. Having confirming the KO time only the day before, David, forgot about the game and arrived 10 minutes into the second half. From a phone call to the old git, David blamed Baldwin for him not getting to the game, which consequently made David throw his dummy out and then retired. David was not available for comment!!!From this, the following statement was given by the management team: " I would kindly like to remind all players from Castlehurst FC, that the club is ran mostly for fun, enjoyment and also winning. Remember the feeling of the final? Only 11 players can start each game and three subs can be made. With the squad the size of Phil's waist line in metres, 17, the team will be picked fairly, including the three subs.
The management team of the 'Good Looking Fat Bastards' will pick the starting 11 which they feel is fair and also has the main element of winning the game, with the 3 subs being rotated each week. All players will have a fair crack at obtaining a starting place with their performances on the day of the game. If you don't start the game or do get taken off, please don't take it personally we have the best interests of all players and the team in mind.

I hope no players get offended by the statement, just bare it in mind. And any comments, please let the GLFB know.
Players will be pissed off by not playing, we know that, but we do have 17 players to think about and also winning games. Please accept it, as we all know Mr Cupples couldn't, and look where he went."

Lets look forward to winning games so we can celebrate the way we usually do by drinking copious amounts of slurp, taking part in the penguin dance, and also taking the piss out of each other, as we always do, here are a few shortened:
Loggy = Lincon Log Poo, Weaver = Pingu head, Horton = Pringle, Dodwell = Red Rum, Oggy = who NOSE?, Hubbocks = Clever, Arnold = Will Young, Tooney = Mr Wonderful, Griff = Mr Potato Head, Carl Mc = Big Mc, Elliott = Pretty Boy, Duncan = Munckfish, Grogan = Terry Wogan, Pinners = Noel Edmunds,Liono,Teen Wolf,Simba, Coffman = Orangutan, Lloydy = Kenneth Williams, Flinty = Squint, Baldwin = Good Lookin Fat Man, Phil = Good Lookin Neanderthal, Chris?? = Gurna, Dave = Sally Webster (Life long honourable member).

CASTLEHURST TAKEOVER RUMOURS RIFE

There have been strong rumours that a Peruvian consortium are on the verge of a take over at Arden Hall park. The consortium have tabled a bid of 1million Iraqi Dinars (about 400 quid) which the board of directors are considering.

It is believed that the Peruvian group consider the club as a sound investment. They have been very impressed with the soccer six and the Castlehurst fantasy league. They are also looking to start shirts and merchandise sales as a result of Castlehurst’s massive world wide support.

They are very interested in using some of our star players to advertise certain products. Danny Baldwin will be signed up to promote Just For Men’s new anti-ginger beard dye. Captain James Dodwell will be used to advertise Silver Spoon sugar lumps, a favourite of horses and Donkeys across the world.

James Coffman is being lined up to be the face of Imac’s new shoulder waxing strips and Mark Hubocks will advertise the new Nintendo game that increases your brain power.

They will take advantage of Chris Parker’s supreme culinary tastes by getting him to advertise Captain Birdseye’s new line of fish cakes. Stu Flint will front a new TV show demonstrating how to live for a full year whilst only spending £30.

As you can see there are plenty of commercial opportunities for a club with players of our calibre. With the new stadium on the way and the successful offload of Richard Cupples, the club is heading in the right direction. I’m not sure we should sell. I’ve never trusted those South Americans.

Speaking of Richard Cupples, I was talking to the manager of Hilbernian and I asked him how he was getting on. He compared his usefulness to a chocolate teapot. He also talked about what he has done for team spirit. There have been four attempted suicides and one has actually moved to Afghanistan since he arrived at the club. I miss him already because I’m running out of things to write about.

EARLY RETIREMENT FOR OLD TIMER

Yes, it's official, David Ian Parker has finally hung up Tony Pitts boots with the confirmation of his retirement from Sunday league football. Thank bleedin god i hear you all say.

Dave, as he is commonly known as, brought endurance, finesse, and style to the team, with his long strawberry blonde mop and 1990's style boots, Dave looked more like a player from the 1960's and played like a member from the disability league. His pace seemed to let him down as many of the opposition breezed past him whilst strolling back to there own half, and his hair was almost always offside before his size 5 feet were.

David, 26 (pictured), commented on his time with Castlehurst by saying "My time with the club has been a pleasurable and an eventful one. I have helped them to win one of the most prestigious cup in world football, and also contributed to the defeat in the cup final by playing absolutely pony throughout the game."

We tried to pull Dave around from the idea of retirement, however, all parties found it was in the best interests of the team and for Dave for him to piss off, as we wanted to win the league and more cups this year.

In his time Dave has had many highlights: 1) Scoring one of the best goals the club has ever seen at Rectory Park last season. Full on volley on the edge of the area, lobbing the keeper on his goal line. Exquisite!! 2) Coming off at half time 3) Not playing at all.

Dave also commented on his relationship with the management, "Baldwin and Phil are the best fat bastards i have ever played for. The both remind me strongly as Mike Bassett, however, Baldwin has the biggest derby and Phil looks more like Jeff Winter with the football brains similar to Carl Green. Although i did tell Baldwin he has a shit beard, and he can shove Castlehurst up his bollocks, we did get on well." He further added " My announcement of retirement will do me a favour as i continually want to get bolloxed on Red Stripe and meet loads of fat ugly women to pleasure on a saturday night."
Dave has left his retirement open and said that if we were ever desperate he would dust off his boots, and we would have to be, as Baldwin and Phil would be the next best thing.
Thanks to David in all his time with the club, and a memorial statue has been planned which will stand 4 foot from the floor, however we are waiting for hair donations from Richard Cupples to add to the life size statue.
Cheers Dave, a lifetime supply from Vidal Sassoon will be on it's way, and a comb.

RICHARD CUPPLES LEAVES CASTLEHURST

It has recently become known that Richard Cupples has finally given up his fight to get into the Castlehurst team. After many unsuccessful trials with a series of local women's and under 12 sides, he decided to take a big step down and join Hilbernian Rangers.

Richard, pictured below with his family, took the decision to join Hilbernian in an effort to secure first team football.

Born the son of a Milkman, the 24 year old part time beautician had been with Castlehurst since the very beginning when we were desperate for players. He used to play on the left wing because he was the only member of the team that could use his left foot. Before you start wondering how he got a starting place every week let me remind you that both me and Tony Pitt used to get a starting place back then! Considering that Tony used to smoke 400 fags a day and was quite often drunk on the field, his 'starting place' isn't quite so impressive. Then there was me. I've got the turning circle of a Boeing 747 and the acceleration of a dead slug. So as you can tell Richard didn't have too much competition for his place.

Then came the 'Castlehurst era'. A new wave of young, fit and slightly talented players flooded onto our books. Coupled with the best of the Coach and Horses era, the team started to look a more formidable proposition.

After time the players became sick of tripping over the toys and dummies that Richard had thrown out of his pram onto the pitch after falling out with a series of referees. By this time the Castle Bromwich Girl Guides troop netball team were watching Richard very closely. He had impressed them with his girlish rants and it was thought that because of his lovely blond locks and incredibly small penis, he could be passed off as one of them.

Richard is a very wealthy individual and makes a really good living as a door to door salesman. He does like to flash the cash and is forever boasting about his all night chardonnay benders at male strip clubs and his trips around the world to various gay rights parades. He once visited the pantomime 7 times purely because his hero, Julian Clary, was starring in it.

His favourite food is mince.

In the summer he plays cricket. I'm not sure which team he plays for but I do know that when the opposition are short he's got no problem with 'batting for the other side'.

Below are a list of the highlights of Richard Cupples' glittering Castlehurst Career:

AUG 2005: Signed for Castlehurst

SEP 2006: Signed for Hilbernian

The End

CASTLEHURST SHOW AMAZING BOUNCEBACKABILITY

Castlehurst yesterday bounced back from last Sundays agonising 4-1 defeat by beating a team from the top tier of the Sutton League in our equivalent of the FA cup.

Amazingly Castlehurst managed to beat Pheasey Athletic 5-1. Pheasey Athletic, who are 37 league places above us, were stunned by our supremely silky skills and slick passing and movement. The performance of Castlehurst was reminiscent of Brazil in the 1970 World Cup.

In what was a glorious victory James 'the goal machine' Coffman bagged a brace, Christopher Lloyd got one, there was a stunner by Duncan 'much better looking than Luke Chadwick' Goldie and there was an own goal which was credited to Mark 'tell it like it fuckin is' Griffin, even though he wasn't on the pitch at the time.

One passer by said to me "the team in red are fucking brilliant. It's like watching poetry in motion". Another passer by asked me "could you tell me where the nearest boozer is please mate?". I said "Your looking at him pal".

Above all the silky skills and lovely goals were the tactics. There was no doubt that this was a tactical victory. Sir Alex Ferguson gave me and Danny a ring after the game and we gave him some vital tips which helped him beat Newcastle and put Man Utd back on top of the Premiership.

It reminds me of the time Marcello Lippi phoned me up after Italy had just stumbled past Australia in the World Cup. I gave him one or two pointers and apparently they went on to win the competition.

It happened last year when some Dutch bloke called Frank phone me up. He lived in Barcelona. We had a twenty minute conversation about how to win football matches and his team went on to do very well in a couple of competitions last season.

I only wish the weather was as good as the football yesterday. Now I know what a wet flannel feels like. It pissed down! I've gotten less wet under some power showers! I also had no coat. The Deputy manager Chris Parker showed his commitment to the team by running off home at the first sign that it was spitting.

Despite the weather it was still a glorious morning. We march on to round 2 of the Challenge cup and our little hiccup last week is long forgotten. So up the Castlehurst and Shit on the Cupples' team! I can't even remember what they're called?? Hilly Burn Ian I think??

CASTLEHURST TO GET NEW STADIUM

The Castlehurst board have just announced plans for a new 76,125 seater stadium to be built on the site of Arden Hall, also known as the field of dreams. The planned stadium will cost in the region of £275 million so please keep doing those soccer sixes.

We are currently looking for planning permission and have applied to the local Parish council. However we have been told that we need to settle our £200 deficit for this years pitch rental before they consider the application. The plans involve knocking down several houses within the local vicinity and there will also need to be a demolition of number 20A Freezely road in Shard End for technical reasons.

Below is a picture of what the new stadium will look like.



Our plans involve turning the Farthings Pub into a super Casino with a 7 star hotel on the side of it. The Bradford Arms will become a Stringfellows night club complete with dancing girls and the Croft, our HQ, will have another 42 floors built on top of it.

The decision to try for the new stadium/club village was made after the board saw Sunday’s unbelievable away support. There were no fewer than 9 Castlehurst fans pitch side for the defeat at Rectory Park.

No new stadium would be complete without a squad of especially good looking cheerleaders. If you know anyone who would fit the description of ‘especially good looking splitarse’ then direct them to the croft. Me and Danny will be holding private auditions all next week. Again for technical reasons, we do require the audition to involve the potential cheer leader ending up fully naked.

WE LET THE BASTARDS WIN!!

The Castlehurst promotion train derailed slightly today in a messy battle at Rectory park. Unfortunately we ended up losing 4-1 to the right said Fred fan club's XI aka Highcroft social.

We gave them a two goal head start early in the game, then started playing and scored a late first half goal, only to concede another even later in that half. During the second half I took over as referee and that's where our problems started. One of the Highcroft players got sneezed on in the centre circle and hit the deck like a sack of Maris Pipers. REFEREE! I heard them cry. I let the game play on and a very nice young man came mincing over and called me a cheat! I explained to him that I've always been faithful to my girlfriend and to take it back!

Later in the half one of the Highcroft players went shoulder to shoulder with the man mountain Lloydy and was duley wrestled off the ball. I thought Shane Ward had just walked on to the touch line as their players suddenly started girlishly screaming. My first thoughts were that they had just realised John Arnold looks rather like Will Young and couldn't contain their excitement. It turns out that they thought that Lloydy, a man that weighs three stone dripping wet, forced their player to the ground. I gave nothing and got a roasting. I managed to calm down most of them by promising them tickets for the Take That tour if they'd just calm down.

As the half went on I had a vision of what it would be like to have 11 teenage daughters. There were tears, tantrums and handbags flying everywhere. I had a shocking game. It's harder than it looks trying to control 11 prats on day release from Forest Oak Girls school.

One of there players went down twice with a broken finger nail and severely swollen derby, although I think the latter is a permanent injury. I also noticed one player turbo mince to the changing rooms to fix a ladder in his tights.

The final insult came late on in the game when a player went down injured and the ball was knocked out for a throw in. When play resumed we naturally threw the ball to their player who had said he would kick it back to our keeper. Upon receiving the ball, the player, who looked like, and ran like Andy Peters sportingly took the ball into our area and slotted it past our keeper to make it 4-1 to them. Mr Peters then celebrated with his fellow team mates spouting something about Ed the Duck and them not knocking the ball out or some crap like that.

We eventually lost the game 4-1 and it was a disappointing day all in which was made worse when Andy Peters refused me an autograph. It's embarrassing to say we were beaten in such a way but these things happen and its either laugh about it or do a Highcroft and cry like a baby.

BUNG CLAIMS ROCK CASTLEHURST

Castlehurst Football Club has been rocked by recent 'transfer bung' allegations. It is alleged that club manager Daniel 'good looking fat bastard' Baldwin has been accepting payments and lavish hospitality in exchange for taking players onto the Castlehurst books. The incidents in question have apparently been going on since the beginning of last season.

On one occasion it is alleged that Mr Baldwin accepted luxurious hospitality in the form of up to three lunch time meals at the big wok in Birmingham city centre. He was driven there in a luxury leather seated H reg Vaxhaull Cavalier and enjoyed free nights in the city's formula 1 hotel in Small Heath.

On another occasion he is alleged to have accepted a cheque for £4.75 as well as Mcdonalds money off vouchers to the value of £20! This was in exchange for taking on the ageing midfielder Dave Parker last season.

In a more recent event it wasn't Danny Baldwin but his deputy Chris Parker who accepted a 'bung' consisting of 4 fish cakes 8 pints of lager and a packet of plain crisps.

Finally there is Phil Ryan who received goods to the amount of £8 which included a Ford Escort car, which he still drives, and a Blues shirt signed by Robbie Savage.

Despite the offer of a cheque for £1 million to each Castlehurst board member, Richard Cupples has yet to be signed up this season.

PLAYER PROFILE PICTURE

PLAYER PROFILE - MARK HUBBOCKS

Mark Charles Hubbocks is a giant figure in Castlhursts squad. That’s probably why he carries many other names when people call him. Bollocks, Buttocks, Hubble Bubble are just a few.

Buttocks has a huge resemblance to the good old Rodney Trotter, looks and mentality. Buttocks proves his great mental ability by placing a £20 bet on a particular horse, but seconds later, forgetting the name of the horse and placing it on another insignificant one. Also buttocks decided to take a walk to the betting shop he previously had visited the day before with a small group of his pals. 1 hour later, we hadn’t found the book house and had walked past the same road sign 4 times, with Hubble bubble, scratching his head and stating “I don’t believe it….. it was round here yesterday”.

The boy Bollocks when enters the field of play turns into a different bubble. Tackles go flying in, defence splitting passes are set in motion, hundreds of shots on target and the vocal element he brings is immense. And then the lanky dopey git wakes up.
Taking nothing away from buttocks, he brings strength, aerial prowess and a massive consideration to the running part of the game. The statement “I just kept running” has been mentioned many a time.

From an early age Hubbocks has enjoyed the game of football. Supporting Aston Villa and playing for Birmingham City Centre of Excellence, the lad has grown in stature and brilliance. Some say that as buttocks has matured his IQ has lowered, from a result of constant ball headering, and walking into clear glass doors.
From bollocks’ exploits and general personality two films have been made in honour of him. Both are pictured.

One of the funniest and most humorous moments I have ever been involved with is a conversation between Bollocks and James Steven Barry Burrows. The chat involved was electric. Not a single word was understood and the conversation changed that rapidly it was hard to keep up with a grunt and a mumble here and there; as I know they did not talk about the weather or anything that complicated. Once Burrows did come out with, “Buttocks, I’d love to shag your mrs,” with buttocks replying “who??!!” with a confused look on his face.
Everyone knows that Buttocks is so in love with his girlfriend Charlotte, he must keep her happy somehow, as he only know the missionary sexual position. The others must seem too complicated for him to get into. And I hear he loves to go ‘eggin’ with girlfriend in and around Birmingham, what an interesting time they must have together, just imagine the conversation!!!!!

As already stated, Mark (yes that’s bollocks) is a huge Villa fan and loves turning up to training wearing some part of his favourite football strip, and footwear. Once, Buttocks left a brand new pair of Lacoste trainers on the bus, heading back from town. As he remembered leaving them on the bus, he frantically chased after the bus. Only problem being, it was 20 minutes since the bus had left. Who do you think you are I ask? Forrest Gump?

God bless you Hubble Bubble, you’re a top lad, and a great addition to the team. But for Christ sake, please get some sense!!!!

BUENOS DIAS SENORITAS!

Here I am in Spain on an important scouting mission to find Castlehurst´s next superstar. I am currently tracking a one legged Spaniard by the name of Pablo. I view him as a permanent replacement for Richard Cupples. Like Richard he is left footed (well he had to be really) similarly he only has one foot. Having spoken to Pablo he has agreed to sign a contract in which he will receive 2 straw donkeys and a pair of castanets. One small draw back is that Pablo is slowly going blind but as Richard has slantier eyes than Stan at our local Chinese his sight will probably be a strength!

The search goes on. I have to rush off! I´ve got a date tonight with 12 jugs of sangria. I´ll see you at the next match hopefully Pablo will join me in the directors box.

Adios!

PLAYER PROFILE PICTURE - James Coffman

James Ross Coffman

Orangutan

PLAYER PROFILE: James Coffman

James Coffman has been with us when our amateur footballing days started, back in the year of 2001. The boy with the Grand Visage, was one of the top strikers in the league in the early years, hitting the onion bag with over 15 goals for the season, then the big faced man himself fell in love with ROAST BEEF, visiting wedding receptions/birthday parties/bbq’s every other weekend has took it’s toll on the well developed individual. Now James has the turning circle of a HGV and the speed of a three wheeler tugging a caravan.

James is a fully committed player and member of the team and has great attributes in his locker. James on his day when not kicking the ball into his own face can score goals, tackle and as he possess a unique huge arse it allows him to win most balls in the air. Also James has one of the biggest mouths known to man which propels his voice to high decibels as the sound meter in the coach showed by turning red and hitting its peak constantly when ever James spoke, but to hear him on the pitch is a rarity except to hear screams, shrieks, arrrghs and his impressions of Joe Pasquale when addressing the ref.

James could quite easily be compared to a member of the ape species (pictured) as his long term girlfriend, Hayley (member of the WAG’s club) often comments about his animal behaviour in the bedroom, whilst listening to Enrique Inglasias, and his speed in completing his roast beef dinners.
Socially James loves a gamble. In the betting shop every day (yes, whilst at graft) earning money on the roulette machine, and sticking his incredible derby out to anyone he knows.
For fun the orang-utan visits St Andrews for a swing and to watch so called football, visits the boozer for the all dayers, lasting around 3 hours, grafting his copper conkers off working overtime most weekends to fund his new purchase of a house, where he will create new episodes for the discovery channel, and gorillas in the mist part 2.
King Louie, Grand Visage we love you and hope you bang at least 1 goal this season.

HIT THE BAR with Stu Horton

Well, we are now just days away from the opening league game of the new season. The pre-season campaign has been something of a ‘mixed bag’, with only a handful of goals being scored, amidst a couple of demoralising defeats. The concluding friendly match, however, saw a comprehensive 5-1 Castlehurst victory. A triumph which included a clinical hat-trick from striker, James Coffman – an occurrence so rare, James still refuses to believe it himself. The game was also memorable for a cameo goalkeeping appearance from friend of the club, and marrow enthusiast, James burrows (aka Ginge). Diving swallow-like through the air, and throwing himself onto the ground, Ginge would go to whatever lengths to avoid the muddy, fast-moving ball. With a few uncertainties about the goalkeeping position for the opening few games, perhaps James’ old-school style of goalkeeping will feature in the Castlehurst league campaign.

As the new season is just around the corner. Player fitness is a key factor, if Castlehurst FC are to be successful. I am a firm believer that examples of high fitness and exceptional health should come from the very top. And here at Castlehurst, we have the best men around:

- First there is club chairman, Phil Ryan, a man who will regularly drive his car down to the pub on a Friday night, and not collect it again until the working Monday morning. My guess is that during this period, he is never actually anywhere near the physical state, required by the law, to drive the vehicle home.

- Then there is the club MD, Gurner. A man who is sometimes, unfairly labelled lazy, yet, in my experience, only ever breaks into aggressive, heart-threatening sweat when asked to perform such gruelling tasks as changing the channel on the remote control, or turning the page of his broadsheet newspaper. (I am being sarcastic of course. Gurner has never, or - I hazard a guess - will never own a broadsheet newspaper.)

- Finally there is the manager, Danny Baldwin. A keen sportsman – hungry for sucess, and with an enormous appetite for outdoor fitness, Danny believes that sensible diet is the key factor in a good fitness regime. This could not have been better demonstrated when I once witnessed Danny go ballistic at a young waitress because she told him that he was only allowed three of the seven choices of meat available at a country pub carvery, we once visited. Disciplined to the core, I think you’ll agree.

Well, you’ll hear from me again once the new season has kicked off. I haven’t been at the bar much recently. In fact, I’ve just returned from the V – music festival, which I attended with a number of my Castlehurst team-mates, one of which was Dave Parker. Dave was delighted to watch a performance from one of his heros, Morrissey, during the festival. This, on top of seeing another one of his favourites at last years’ festival, Scissor Sisters. If only Dave had been born a decade earlier, he would have got to see a number of his favourite artists at the peak of their talent and fame, including: Queen, Elton John, Wham, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and Right Said Fred. We can only hope that a new-wave of gay rock will tunnel its way through in Dave’s direction.

Laters.

CASTLEHURST DUO TURN DOWN FASHION GIANT

Two of the Castlehurst management team yesterday turned down a lucrative contract with Armani. The duo, noticeable on the sideline because of their boyish good looks and rather large waist lines, had been lined up for the fashion houses' new multi million pound ad campaign. Mr Armani was over heard saying "Those two fat bastards are so god damn good looking! The women love them." They weigh in at just over a metric tonne between them and were once mistaken for a pair of sperm whales on a recent trip to Blackpool.
Phil Ryan, who was recently voted the sexiest man in the room at a convention for facially disfigured people, was said to be flattered by the offer, but firmly focused on getting Castlehurst into the big time (Sutton Division 3). He is also said to be concentrating on his career as the before picture in the Slimfast adverts.

THE INTERMEDIATE CUP

This is the glorious 'Intermediate Bowl'. We are the proud holders of this wonderful and sort after trophy. Made of solid tin with an MDF base, its value runs well into the 'pounds' category.

As the competition was based on a handicap league basis, there was no knockout stage. We won two games and lost one and still one the cup??

I believe it was a Nicholas Pinfold strike that won it for us, as his was the strike that beat Hilbernian Rangers in our last game of the cup campaign. Here he is pictured below after hearing the news that we'd won the cup.

As you can see he is delighted. Danny and I recently offered him a new deal with the club. He kept us hanging on and eventually we just had to say what will it be chap? Deal or no Deal?

Another man who was delighted with our victory is manager, Danny Baldwin. The original good lookin' fat bastard aparently wept with pride when he heard the news of the victory. He is pictured below with the glorious trophy.

The above picture was taken at our lavish and expensive presentation evening. During this extravegant evening there were two awards presented, the players' player of the year and the Manager's player of the year. The manager's player was John Arnold and the players' player was Mr James 'Ian' Dodwell.

Below is part of our team at the party celebrating with the cup. As you can see there were several celebrities there including Noel Edmonds, Jude Law and ex Villa player, Fernando Nelson.

CLUB SHOP

The Castlehurst club shop is now open for business. It will be operating from the boot of my Ford Escort and is somewhere for all those fans to pick up memorabilia and club merchandise. Below is a list of products you can buy for incredibly reasonable prices.

A lock of Stu Horton’s hair: Low in stock

A lock of Richard Cupples’ Hair: Very Low in stock but more on the way thanks to AHS

A day at the Horse races Courtesy of James Dodwell

Tickets to Deal or No Deal courtesy of Nicholas Pinfold

Tickets to see Mark Hubbocks on Mastermind: £Priceless

Singing lessons with Will Young courtesy of John Arnold

A lock of Dave Parker’s hair: Clearance sale as too much stock to fit in the warehouse

Phil Ryan's Ford Escort: £1.75

A large selection of toilet seats courtesy of Chris Parker

THE LEAGUE

As you can see we currently sit 3rd in the league. Next year we are thinking of changing our name to AAA UTD just so we can secure top spot for at least the start of the season.

I expect us to rise like a salmon to the top of the league and stay there. This time next year we could be looking at the dizzy heights of the Sutton league division 3, the 42,256th tier of English football.

As you can see there are some new teams to the league this year. However our bogey team, Foley, remain annoyingly present in our division. We lost to them twice last year and one of those was a 4-1 drubbing at Rectory park. I and several others believe that Richard Cupples was solely to blame for both the defeats and all goals conceded so hopefully, if the offload goes to plan, we might have a chance this year.

Hopefully our cup run will be a little easier on the old ring piece this year. We didn't make it easy on mine last season. With a 1-0 win in the quarters and 2 late goals in the semis the pair of pants I wore at each game have unfortunately had to be destroyed.

Trouble is, theres more chance of Richard Cupples NOT throwing up after 3 glasses of chardonnay than us making it easy for ourselves.

We have had one or two convincing victories however. I'll always remember beating Aston Old Eds 9-1. I was refereeing that day but that had nothing to do with it. I actually disallowed a goal! Our man of the match was there keeper. He bagged a brace for us and was as much use to them as a 12 inch cock is to a paraplegic. He was so bad, even Richard Cupples bagged a Hatrick past him. I'm sorry but thats just unforgivable.

Then there was both games against Sutton Locomotive. Unfortunately I was not present for either game. What a BASTARD! The second game we had 6 first teamers out and still trounced them.

HIT THE BAR with Stu Horton

It is always nice to read the sporting views of a young, well-educated and eloquent journalist. In absence of this, I have been asked to write a column (sporadically, over the season) for our fast-develpoing web site.

Well, Castlehurst were back in action on Sunday, albeit in our first pre-season friendly. A re-run of last season's Adam Dauncey cup final, saw us pitted against Coach FC, on the Park Hall playing fields.

The day started on a bad note though, with an injury to Richard Cupples - one of the best blonde, left-footers in the squad - ruling him out of the game. Richard 'hurt his toe' during the pre-match kickabout with club MD and keeper warmerupper, Gurner. This is one in a long line of injuries for the flamboyant 'wide-man', which includes a bruised fingernail, the sniffles, and a severely dented pride.

Castlehurst won the game 1-0, and there were a fair few positives to come out of it. There were good performances from the two debutants, Ryan Grogan and Ben Toon, the latter of who actually scored the winning goal. The animated Toon struck a low, deflected shot into the corner, midway through the first half.
There was also an outfield debut for former goalkeeper and vest fanatic, Kevin Weaver. Slick, stylish, and the fastest thing I'd seen all day. After finishing playing with his new BMW, Weaver joined up with the Castlehurst midfield, and showed some very nice touches in the middle of the park.

Coach FC never really offered that much in terms of opposition. Although, most notable, was their talisman centre forward. A short, bald, annoying bloke called Nigel. 'Nige' coughed, spluttered, shirt-pulled, farted, shouted, appealed and whinged his way through the ninety minutes. How irritating was this man? Lets say that i'd rather play with a tropical skin disease on my cock for the duration of the game. Thankfully, our players didn't bite to this antagonist, apart from when I tripped him up.......and when Hubbocks booted the ball at him.........

All in all a good start, and a decent platform on which to build.

Well, I'm off to the bar now. Spare a thought for Mark Hubbocks. After being at Jon Arnold's wedding do (last week) for just one hour, he thru-up on himself. In an attempt to disguise the embarrassment, he rubbed the vomit into his clothes, perhaps thinking that we would assume it was part of the design. Only Cupples can get away with that one, mate.
Laters.

Castlehurst 1 vs 0 The Coach

Once again the two local teams met, with all memories pushed aside from the not so glorious final. With a 15 man squad, chomping at the bit to play in our first friendly, Mr Cupples arrives for the first time this season and within 5 minutes of the starting lineup being announced, and cupples finding out he's keeping warm the Dame Judy AGAIN, he amazingly finds a bruise on the end of his toe and protests his reasons for not being able to play, i say, thank god for that bruise!!!!!
By using the role on and role off system, all players played a part in the emphatic win, which in turn allowed Dangerous Dave Parker more minutes resting, than actually playing, and also Stu '50 Cent' Squint not to collect any injuries to his finger nails or disturb the levels of acid in his body.

All players played well, however, Stu 'Cadfael' Horton failed to clear his lines for the first time in his history, and decided to push the smallest player on the pitch (not Dave Parker) to the floor, for having a similar hair style to himself. Well done Stu!!!!!

The game itself highlighted many positives. Weaver plays better in Griffs boots, just shows a poor workman cant blame his tools, Grogan can play left back, Dave is starting on the dirty wench only when the boy Toon is available and Lloydy cannot pass wind!!!!

A great goal seperated the teams from the first half, i still see it as an own goal, but the boy Toon claimed it, from his superb performance on the right side of midfield, the lad is chasing De Jauncey for the best Pretty Boy look, by using hair straighteners before kick off and carrying a small mirror in his kit bag!

The Man of the Match award, goes to player who was always in the right place at the right time, won every ball in the air and on the deck, commanded and was the loudest, most intelligent player on the pitch (this description is from his warm up which he completed on his own), well done to Mark Hubbocks (pictured) for his excellent display at the back, which kept the defense as tight as James Coffmans wallet.

A big thank you to Phil 'Jeff Winter' Ryan for a fantastic display as referee, as he kept up with play and missed Stu throwing Uncle Fester over his knee. Mr Winter nearly awarded the Coach a penalty, that was until he realised the foul was not in the area all the way from the half way line, great vision there Phil.

A good all round display and a good first game, well done lads.

DEAR CASTLEHURST

This section is where our loyal players and fans can ask the club management anything they want. Whether it be advice on what pair of pants to buy, or why does Phil Ryan not play every week its up to you. Enter your questions in the comments section below this article.

Here are a few examples of some letters we have had already.

Dear Castlehurst,

I have recently discovered my son enjoys dressing up in my clothes and parading around the house. As my son is a man and I am a woman this seems to me to be a little strange. What should I do?

Yours sincerely

Greeny's Mom


Dear Castlehurst

I have been wondering why I have such a small penis. When it is fully erect it measure's 1 and 3 quarter inches. I even have to sit down on the toilet to go for a piss. Some people think I have a third nipple! Please Help!

Yours Sincerely

Mr R Cupples

CAPTAIN MARVELL WANTS THE TITLE

Club captain James Dodwell, pictured above, has revealed his ambitions for the club this season. He has told us that nothing less than the title will do this season.

Fresh from winning the 3.45 at Wincanton he is chomping at the bit (literally)
for the new season. As you can appreciate he has plenty of pace. He said "with the squad we have, provided we can offload Richard Cupples, we shouldn't lose a game next season." I am sure that if we do suffer any defeats, he will be able take it on his chin!

James Dodwell, who is almost as good looking as me, has been a loyal servant to the club and has always turned up for training despite having to travel around the country to places like Uttoxeter, Pontefract and Newmarket as part of his successful career.

Frankie Dettorie, famous jockey and close friend of Dodwell has backed the player to shine this season. He said last night "James has plenty of pace and stamina. He is a real work horse. I am backing Castlehurst all the way this season. I will also be entering my team in their fantasy league. I couldn't resist the chance to take part in such a great competition. I just hope I win the life changing prize money on offer."


The quotes attributed to Mr Frankie Dettorie are made up. He may well admire the club but there is no way of knowing and I have no proof that he does. The picture of James Dodwell is also not a real picture of him despite the incredible likeness. Castlehurst F.C. would like to apologise for any offence caused to the horse in the picture.

PRE-SEASON TRAINING UPDATE

Over the past three weeks the lads have been training hard at our summer training facility in Castle Bromwich. The squad is looking as good as ever with one or two new faces joining the ranks.

Notable by his abscence has been Richard Cupples. He has yet to report in for pre-season training. Manager Danny Baldwin told us yesterday that this is the best pre-season Cupples has ever had. All this despite him not showing for a single session.

New Aquasition Mr Craig Goldie worryingly limped off for the second session running with a thigh strain. He is being rushed to Lilleshall as I speak and will hopefully be back in action by the end of the pre-season tour of Castle Bromwich.

One worry is that the chairman Phil Ryan failed to take part this week sparking fears that he may not be playing this season. One fan said "If Phil doesn't play next season, I'm handing back my season ticket!" He went on to say "We've got to build the team around players like Phil. Thats the only way we can win things"

All eyes are on this Sunday's friendly clash with the Coach at Castlehurst's high tech summer training facility. The starting line up will be announced 30 minutes before kickoff which is at 12pm.

OFFLOAD ATTEMPTS FAIL

Attempts to offload troubled midfielder Richard Cupples have so far failed. Despite each player offering £2000 of their own money to the club that agrees to take him we still have no takers. He has fell out of favour at the club since finally admitting his penchant for men's arses earlier in the year.

Richard Cupplets was unable to comment last as he was attending a Hen night. There has been some confusion on the team sheet of late as he often changes his name to Suzie on the weekend. Negotiations are continuing.

ABOVE: Richard leaving the Hen night late last night

BURROWS TURNS DOWN MADRID

James Steven Barry Burrows has shunned the advances of Real Madrid who are after his services for next season. He announced late last night that he will be committing his long term future to Castlehurst.

The tall but agile all rounder was the subject of a 52.5 pence offer from the Spanish giants. After a long talk with his family and his super model girlfriend, he decided that his heart belongs here at Castlehurst.

Fabio Cappello was said to be devastated at the break down in negotiations. He said last night "Although we are very sad at James' decision not to move, we respect his decision. Castlehurst are a massive club and one I admire very much. I just hope that they will still accept my entry to their fantasy league where there are fantastic prizes to be won and it is only £5 per team."

It is thought that Cappello will now turn his attentions to his second choice signing, Kaka of Brazil and AC Milan.

The above story is entirely made up. Any references to Real Madrid and Fabio Cappelo are entirely fictional. By the same token any references to James burrows having a super model girlfriend are also false and of a fictional nature.

THE NEW DM JOINS THE MANAGMENT BOARD

With the great success of last season, the managment team felt new zest was needed in the managment team. So we required the services of a new Deputy Manager. Innovation, passion, desire, energy and above all attractiveness was asked for, and the CV's came flooding in, and yet again Craig 'Burt' Howard was turned down, he added a little too much campness. Carl 'Apu' Green failed to speak the desired language.
It is with my greatest pleasure to announce the new DM as you've probably guest from his pic. Please welcome the one and only Christopher 'Gurna' Parker.
The boy Gurn will bring experience of fishcakes, face pulling and gambling and will also be the slimest, but not so GOOOOOOOD LOOOOKIN member of the board.
Welcome the Gurn, as he will not be standing any shite, however, he will be bribed easily, with either a Dairy Milk bar, Plain Crisps, Bangers and Mash or a toilet seat.

CASTLEHURTS FANTASY LEAGUE

Enter your team for the Castlehurst fantasy league now using this link. Entries will cost a fiver per team, pay either Phil or Danny. Hopefully there will be a substantial prize at the end of it for the winner but that all depends on how many people enter so try to get as many of your friends and family as you can to enter a team. Please give all the team names you get to Phil or Danny along with the £5 per team. The deadline is the 27th July. Here are the instructions to joining our league via the link above. You will automatically be entered in for the official premiere league fantasy league.


First of all you need to register yourself on the site by following the instructions. Once you have logged in and entered your team, click on the 'Leagues'
link you can find on the the right of the page. Now enter the code
127118-25622 to join the private league

WELCOME TO CASTLEHURST

This is the Castlehurst F.C. official website where all our 43 fans can find out more about this glorious club. I will be posting player profiles, League tables and pictures on this site in the near future. You can also write stuff on this site by leaving a comment. What we need most at the moment is money so if you have any spare please give it to us. We will only be accepting cheques for £200 or more or cash in £50 notes only. If you have no cash we can accept gifts I.E. the deeds to your house or your car. Anything would be appreciated as long as it is substantial

BUY SHARES IN CASTLEHURST

Now that we've gone global we've decided to float the club and sell shares in the beauty. As you can see in the management section, we are a very valuable club. We have informed the London and New York stock exchanges and they are ready for a high demand.

The shares will be priced at £2500 each initially and we will be making 1.4 million available. So buy now to save disappointment.

We will be spending the money on a new set of corner flags, some linesman's flags, a new whistle and 3 million pints of lager along with a glass of chardonnay for cupples. This is your chance to put something back and own a share of your club so please give generously.

THE FIELD OF DREAMS

This is where the magic happens every other Sunday morning. It is called Arden Hall Park. It has been our home since we have started. Much the same as the San Siro in Milan, we have a ground share situation. The club house is very nice but what ever you do, have a tom tit before you leave the house if you need one as it is not a pleasant experience having one here at Arden Hall I can tell you. I'd rather live inside a camel's arse for two weeks than do that again!

Our record crowd at home last season was somewhere around the 9 mark if you count the substitutes, so we're hoping to beat that this year. Your welcome to come along and the good news is that the first 2000 people through the gates get in free. After that it is £45 per ticket, no concessions, no refunds. So make sure you get there early just in case!