HIT THE BAR with Stu Horton

Well, we are now just days away from the opening league game of the new season. The pre-season campaign has been something of a ‘mixed bag’, with only a handful of goals being scored, amidst a couple of demoralising defeats. The concluding friendly match, however, saw a comprehensive 5-1 Castlehurst victory. A triumph which included a clinical hat-trick from striker, James Coffman – an occurrence so rare, James still refuses to believe it himself. The game was also memorable for a cameo goalkeeping appearance from friend of the club, and marrow enthusiast, James burrows (aka Ginge). Diving swallow-like through the air, and throwing himself onto the ground, Ginge would go to whatever lengths to avoid the muddy, fast-moving ball. With a few uncertainties about the goalkeeping position for the opening few games, perhaps James’ old-school style of goalkeeping will feature in the Castlehurst league campaign.

As the new season is just around the corner. Player fitness is a key factor, if Castlehurst FC are to be successful. I am a firm believer that examples of high fitness and exceptional health should come from the very top. And here at Castlehurst, we have the best men around:

- First there is club chairman, Phil Ryan, a man who will regularly drive his car down to the pub on a Friday night, and not collect it again until the working Monday morning. My guess is that during this period, he is never actually anywhere near the physical state, required by the law, to drive the vehicle home.

- Then there is the club MD, Gurner. A man who is sometimes, unfairly labelled lazy, yet, in my experience, only ever breaks into aggressive, heart-threatening sweat when asked to perform such gruelling tasks as changing the channel on the remote control, or turning the page of his broadsheet newspaper. (I am being sarcastic of course. Gurner has never, or - I hazard a guess - will never own a broadsheet newspaper.)

- Finally there is the manager, Danny Baldwin. A keen sportsman – hungry for sucess, and with an enormous appetite for outdoor fitness, Danny believes that sensible diet is the key factor in a good fitness regime. This could not have been better demonstrated when I once witnessed Danny go ballistic at a young waitress because she told him that he was only allowed three of the seven choices of meat available at a country pub carvery, we once visited. Disciplined to the core, I think you’ll agree.

Well, you’ll hear from me again once the new season has kicked off. I haven’t been at the bar much recently. In fact, I’ve just returned from the V – music festival, which I attended with a number of my Castlehurst team-mates, one of which was Dave Parker. Dave was delighted to watch a performance from one of his heros, Morrissey, during the festival. This, on top of seeing another one of his favourites at last years’ festival, Scissor Sisters. If only Dave had been born a decade earlier, he would have got to see a number of his favourite artists at the peak of their talent and fame, including: Queen, Elton John, Wham, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and Right Said Fred. We can only hope that a new-wave of gay rock will tunnel its way through in Dave’s direction.

Laters.