PLAYER PROFILE: James Coffman

James Coffman has been with us when our amateur footballing days started, back in the year of 2001. The boy with the Grand Visage, was one of the top strikers in the league in the early years, hitting the onion bag with over 15 goals for the season, then the big faced man himself fell in love with ROAST BEEF, visiting wedding receptions/birthday parties/bbq’s every other weekend has took it’s toll on the well developed individual. Now James has the turning circle of a HGV and the speed of a three wheeler tugging a caravan.

James is a fully committed player and member of the team and has great attributes in his locker. James on his day when not kicking the ball into his own face can score goals, tackle and as he possess a unique huge arse it allows him to win most balls in the air. Also James has one of the biggest mouths known to man which propels his voice to high decibels as the sound meter in the coach showed by turning red and hitting its peak constantly when ever James spoke, but to hear him on the pitch is a rarity except to hear screams, shrieks, arrrghs and his impressions of Joe Pasquale when addressing the ref.

James could quite easily be compared to a member of the ape species (pictured) as his long term girlfriend, Hayley (member of the WAG’s club) often comments about his animal behaviour in the bedroom, whilst listening to Enrique Inglasias, and his speed in completing his roast beef dinners.
Socially James loves a gamble. In the betting shop every day (yes, whilst at graft) earning money on the roulette machine, and sticking his incredible derby out to anyone he knows.
For fun the orang-utan visits St Andrews for a swing and to watch so called football, visits the boozer for the all dayers, lasting around 3 hours, grafting his copper conkers off working overtime most weekends to fund his new purchase of a house, where he will create new episodes for the discovery channel, and gorillas in the mist part 2.
King Louie, Grand Visage we love you and hope you bang at least 1 goal this season.