WE LET THE BASTARDS WIN!!

The Castlehurst promotion train derailed slightly today in a messy battle at Rectory park. Unfortunately we ended up losing 4-1 to the right said Fred fan club's XI aka Highcroft social.

We gave them a two goal head start early in the game, then started playing and scored a late first half goal, only to concede another even later in that half. During the second half I took over as referee and that's where our problems started. One of the Highcroft players got sneezed on in the centre circle and hit the deck like a sack of Maris Pipers. REFEREE! I heard them cry. I let the game play on and a very nice young man came mincing over and called me a cheat! I explained to him that I've always been faithful to my girlfriend and to take it back!

Later in the half one of the Highcroft players went shoulder to shoulder with the man mountain Lloydy and was duley wrestled off the ball. I thought Shane Ward had just walked on to the touch line as their players suddenly started girlishly screaming. My first thoughts were that they had just realised John Arnold looks rather like Will Young and couldn't contain their excitement. It turns out that they thought that Lloydy, a man that weighs three stone dripping wet, forced their player to the ground. I gave nothing and got a roasting. I managed to calm down most of them by promising them tickets for the Take That tour if they'd just calm down.

As the half went on I had a vision of what it would be like to have 11 teenage daughters. There were tears, tantrums and handbags flying everywhere. I had a shocking game. It's harder than it looks trying to control 11 prats on day release from Forest Oak Girls school.

One of there players went down twice with a broken finger nail and severely swollen derby, although I think the latter is a permanent injury. I also noticed one player turbo mince to the changing rooms to fix a ladder in his tights.

The final insult came late on in the game when a player went down injured and the ball was knocked out for a throw in. When play resumed we naturally threw the ball to their player who had said he would kick it back to our keeper. Upon receiving the ball, the player, who looked like, and ran like Andy Peters sportingly took the ball into our area and slotted it past our keeper to make it 4-1 to them. Mr Peters then celebrated with his fellow team mates spouting something about Ed the Duck and them not knocking the ball out or some crap like that.

We eventually lost the game 4-1 and it was a disappointing day all in which was made worse when Andy Peters refused me an autograph. It's embarrassing to say we were beaten in such a way but these things happen and its either laugh about it or do a Highcroft and cry like a baby.