DANNY BALDWIN PROMISED AT LEAST £6 TO SPEND IN JANUARY

With the January transfer window looming Castlehurst manager Danny 'the ginger bearded piss flap' Baldwin has been told he can expect a transfer kitty of at least 6 quid. This war chest should be in the form of Primark money off vouchers which will increase it's value as your average Primark store only has a total stock value of less than 6 quid! Not that I'm knocking Primark. I'm wearing a pair of Primark pants as I write this article.

Danny has got certain targets in mind but the transfer window will be the perfect time for Danny to offload some 'dead wood' from the team on to Hilbernian as he has done in previous windows.

Danny has been tracking a wheel chair bound Tunisian for the past two seasons. He sees the Blind, Deaf right back as the ideal replacement for the ageing Stu Horton. The surprisingly agile youngster named Moses has already agreed a contract with the club. Part of the deal is that he gets to live with his friend and countryman Carl Green. Danny was looking at ex Villa player Djemba Djemba but opted for the blind cripple instead.

Danny is also eyeing up a female striker who plays for a local women's side. That has nothing to do with football though. He's just eyeing her up.

Danny has been in talks with the club sponsers Camlec to see if they can provide more funds for the transfer window. There is talk of them sponsoring Danny's and my Derbys. That way they will have an advert that can easily be seen from space.

Matthew Strong of the Camlec Coperation PLC has promised that if we win the league he will personally pay for all the players and supporters to go on a luxury Caribean holiday next summer complete with £2000 spending money for each person. Granted that was after Sunday's match against Aston old Eds. His money certainly looked safe there!

There will also be a boot deal done by the size of the players boot. They will be paying £2.50 per adult size. For example if I was a player, my size 11s would fetch us £27.50 quid. Therefore they will be sponsoring Stu Horton's boots for £3.75 and James Burrows' boots will fetch a cool £1million!

The players have all been warned about this transfer kitty and the desire to bring in fresh faces in January so Danny will be expecting place saving performances over the next couple of weeks. However the players can breathe a sigh of relief this week as Danny is booked in for a scouting session at Birmingham City FC.