ASSISTANT MANAGER PISS CRARKER IS SACKED!

The newly appointed deputy manager Mr Piss Crarker has been sacked with immediate effect. Mr Crarker was appointed as the new DM at the start of the season where he promised his dedication and wealth of footballing knowledge to the club.

He started brightly turning up on time for almost every pre-season friendly but things have since been on the slide. After turning up midway through the second half against Aston Old Eds and not turning up at all on Sunday it was the final straw for the management team.

But that isn't the main problem. He has a real bad influence on the players. He often takes them out with him on an all day booze binge on a Saturday including trips to the Coach and the Farthings. Waking up on a Sunday morning in a pool of piss with a banging head is not the ideal preperation for a match. But welcome to Chris Parker's world.

He also let the club down when he promised us that he could get a sponsorship deal with the Sea Queen fish bar advertising their fish cakes. He is the sole reason that the low quality fish bar still stock the grease based snack. However, the only deal they were willing to strike involved us getting free fish cakes for a year. Chris was well up for the deal but as half of the team have been hopitalised during the last 18 months because of the food at the Sea Queen, (including one case of MRSA) Castlehurst politely turned the deal down.

There is a chance that he would have been able to get Benny Hills to sponsor us. He single handedly paid for the latest shop revamp with his long losing streak. The last time he won his Saturday football bet Oldham Athletic were his premiership bankers.

It is thought that he will now move away from football completely and concentrate on his successful career as an Avon lady. In a parting shot at the club he said "You can stick your Castlehurst up your bollocks!"

Catlehurst will of course be putting together a severance package which will include 20 packets of plain crisps and a super sized Dairy Milk.