EARLY RETIREMENT FOR OLD TIMER

Yes, it's official, David Ian Parker has finally hung up Tony Pitts boots with the confirmation of his retirement from Sunday league football. Thank bleedin god i hear you all say.

Dave, as he is commonly known as, brought endurance, finesse, and style to the team, with his long strawberry blonde mop and 1990's style boots, Dave looked more like a player from the 1960's and played like a member from the disability league. His pace seemed to let him down as many of the opposition breezed past him whilst strolling back to there own half, and his hair was almost always offside before his size 5 feet were.

David, 26 (pictured), commented on his time with Castlehurst by saying "My time with the club has been a pleasurable and an eventful one. I have helped them to win one of the most prestigious cup in world football, and also contributed to the defeat in the cup final by playing absolutely pony throughout the game."

We tried to pull Dave around from the idea of retirement, however, all parties found it was in the best interests of the team and for Dave for him to piss off, as we wanted to win the league and more cups this year.

In his time Dave has had many highlights: 1) Scoring one of the best goals the club has ever seen at Rectory Park last season. Full on volley on the edge of the area, lobbing the keeper on his goal line. Exquisite!! 2) Coming off at half time 3) Not playing at all.

Dave also commented on his relationship with the management, "Baldwin and Phil are the best fat bastards i have ever played for. The both remind me strongly as Mike Bassett, however, Baldwin has the biggest derby and Phil looks more like Jeff Winter with the football brains similar to Carl Green. Although i did tell Baldwin he has a shit beard, and he can shove Castlehurst up his bollocks, we did get on well." He further added " My announcement of retirement will do me a favour as i continually want to get bolloxed on Red Stripe and meet loads of fat ugly women to pleasure on a saturday night."
Dave has left his retirement open and said that if we were ever desperate he would dust off his boots, and we would have to be, as Baldwin and Phil would be the next best thing.
Thanks to David in all his time with the club, and a memorial statue has been planned which will stand 4 foot from the floor, however we are waiting for hair donations from Richard Cupples to add to the life size statue.
Cheers Dave, a lifetime supply from Vidal Sassoon will be on it's way, and a comb.