SPOT THE DIFFERENCE OF THE FACES!!!!!!

WHO IS THE REAL STAR? OOOOOOOOOOOO MATRON!!!!

I HELP OUT WITH WASHING CUPPLES' MOTOR

ASSISTANT MANAGER PISS CRARKER IS SACKED!

The newly appointed deputy manager Mr Piss Crarker has been sacked with immediate effect. Mr Crarker was appointed as the new DM at the start of the season where he promised his dedication and wealth of footballing knowledge to the club.

He started brightly turning up on time for almost every pre-season friendly but things have since been on the slide. After turning up midway through the second half against Aston Old Eds and not turning up at all on Sunday it was the final straw for the management team.

But that isn't the main problem. He has a real bad influence on the players. He often takes them out with him on an all day booze binge on a Saturday including trips to the Coach and the Farthings. Waking up on a Sunday morning in a pool of piss with a banging head is not the ideal preperation for a match. But welcome to Chris Parker's world.

He also let the club down when he promised us that he could get a sponsorship deal with the Sea Queen fish bar advertising their fish cakes. He is the sole reason that the low quality fish bar still stock the grease based snack. However, the only deal they were willing to strike involved us getting free fish cakes for a year. Chris was well up for the deal but as half of the team have been hopitalised during the last 18 months because of the food at the Sea Queen, (including one case of MRSA) Castlehurst politely turned the deal down.

There is a chance that he would have been able to get Benny Hills to sponsor us. He single handedly paid for the latest shop revamp with his long losing streak. The last time he won his Saturday football bet Oldham Athletic were his premiership bankers.

It is thought that he will now move away from football completely and concentrate on his successful career as an Avon lady. In a parting shot at the club he said "You can stick your Castlehurst up your bollocks!"

Catlehurst will of course be putting together a severance package which will include 20 packets of plain crisps and a super sized Dairy Milk.

DANNY BALDWIN PROMISED AT LEAST £6 TO SPEND IN JANUARY

With the January transfer window looming Castlehurst manager Danny 'the ginger bearded piss flap' Baldwin has been told he can expect a transfer kitty of at least 6 quid. This war chest should be in the form of Primark money off vouchers which will increase it's value as your average Primark store only has a total stock value of less than 6 quid! Not that I'm knocking Primark. I'm wearing a pair of Primark pants as I write this article.

Danny has got certain targets in mind but the transfer window will be the perfect time for Danny to offload some 'dead wood' from the team on to Hilbernian as he has done in previous windows.

Danny has been tracking a wheel chair bound Tunisian for the past two seasons. He sees the Blind, Deaf right back as the ideal replacement for the ageing Stu Horton. The surprisingly agile youngster named Moses has already agreed a contract with the club. Part of the deal is that he gets to live with his friend and countryman Carl Green. Danny was looking at ex Villa player Djemba Djemba but opted for the blind cripple instead.

Danny is also eyeing up a female striker who plays for a local women's side. That has nothing to do with football though. He's just eyeing her up.

Danny has been in talks with the club sponsers Camlec to see if they can provide more funds for the transfer window. There is talk of them sponsoring Danny's and my Derbys. That way they will have an advert that can easily be seen from space.

Matthew Strong of the Camlec Coperation PLC has promised that if we win the league he will personally pay for all the players and supporters to go on a luxury Caribean holiday next summer complete with £2000 spending money for each person. Granted that was after Sunday's match against Aston old Eds. His money certainly looked safe there!

There will also be a boot deal done by the size of the players boot. They will be paying £2.50 per adult size. For example if I was a player, my size 11s would fetch us £27.50 quid. Therefore they will be sponsoring Stu Horton's boots for £3.75 and James Burrows' boots will fetch a cool £1million!

The players have all been warned about this transfer kitty and the desire to bring in fresh faces in January so Danny will be expecting place saving performances over the next couple of weeks. However the players can breathe a sigh of relief this week as Danny is booked in for a scouting session at Birmingham City FC.