PHIL RYAN - THE FAMOUS FACE. HE DOES GET AROUND

A NEW LOOK FOR DANNY BALDWIN

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

Our generous sponsors for the past two seasons have been CAMLEC. A big thank you to them for their support. We are currently negotiating a deal with them to re-name our ground to CAMLEC hall park instead of Arden Hall Park. I've not talked figures with Colin yet but I think a £1 million 5 season deal should be a fair price.

CAMLEC have kindly agreed to donate £500,000 this year to keep the club going and to pay part of Danny and My wages.

If you need your heating done call CAMLEC. I wouldn't call British Gas because a certain Mr Coffman might come knocking. If you are forced to let him into your home to look at your boiler, whatever you do, don't strike a match!

CAMLEC also do electrical type stuff so I would use them instead of N.G. Baileys. This is quite obvious as any company that would willingly employ Carl Green for 6 years is clearly badly run and I would even say quite dangerous.

There is also Osbournes that Mr DJ Jauncey is employed by. I've seen that Osbourne on the TV and I certainly wouldn't trust him with my fuse box.

In conclusion, CAMLEC are the best, or at least they will be as long as they keep giving us money.

Disclaimer: British Gas would like to distance themselves from James Coffman and insist that his actions have only caused the serious injury of 5 people and the death of just one. All of the other cases were just minor burns and mild cases of gas poisoning. N.G. Bailey have issued us with a statement insisting they would like to cease the employment of Carl Green but they have got to keep their quota of asian workers up.

Everything written above is totally untrue. Except the bit about the money CAMLEC will be giving us. I hope!

HIT THE BAR (3) with Stu Horton

Yes, it's back. My little window, in which to chat bollocks for a couple of paragraphs

Wow! What a start to the season for Castlehurst FC. With seven wins in eight games, and the successful fazing out of Richard Cupples, the mood within the Castlehurst camp is somewhat exuberant.

So what is this season's good form down to? Personally, I would like to pay tribute to the clubs forwards, who have been consistently adequate all season.

First of all, there is the club's ever-present number nine, and extra-duck negotiator, James Coffman. Whether you ask him to or not, James will happily inform you that he averages at least a goal a game for this season. It is also worth noting that that this is the exact mirror opposite of his form, last season!

After being dropped for the opening match of the season by managerial mastermind, Danny Baldwin, the flamboyant striker, Chris Lloyd, has answered back with a barrel load of goals, including numerous hat-tricks, which have aided the team to many victories.

Even 'sicknote', Stu Flint, has been in good form. in one match I recall him coming off the bench to score a hat-trick, in front of a jeering away crowd.

The key though, has been the form of Duncan Goldie. Used to playing as one of two strikers for most of last season, Duncan has now found himself in a different role, behind the front two, filing the hole!
More of an attacking midfielder, Duncan likes to see a hard tackle. And being very much a team player, never complains if he's pulled-off at half time.
A joy to watch, Dunc will spray it around majestically, and penetrate the opposition back-line at will. Although not a fan of getting into the box, he has already scored with a couple of delicious benders, this season.
Yes, despite moving him around, I believe that Danny has found Duncan's favorite position.

Lets hope that things continue this well for Castlehurst, for the rest of the season. Im off to sell a kidney now, so that I can afford a couple of pints of price-inflated Carling, down the Coach.

Cheerio.

BECKHAM TO JOIN CASTLEHURST?

It is now common knowledge that David Beckham is not happy with warming the bench at Real Madrid. Rumours have been flying around that one of his potential destinations will be Castlehurst FC. In a recent interview with a football magazine Beckham stated, “I’ve played is La Liga, I’ve played in the Premiership, There are only two big leagues in Europe left for me to play in. Serie A and the Sutton and District Sunday league.” He went on to say “I’m not sure about Italy. I’m not a big fan of Pizza and pasta gives me the trots. I’m also a bit thick so learning yet another language could be quite difficult seeing as I haven’t mastered the English language yet.”

The rumours of the DB teaming up with our DB (Baldwin) were made even stronger in the light of the below photo. Here we see Danny Baldwin on Miami beach with Beckham. It is believed that Danny is desperate to sign the ex England captain in time for the latter stages of the Adam Dauncey Cup.
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It is said that Beckham has been promised the number seven shirt as part of the deal. The deal itself could be worth a few quid to Beckham. Danny has already said that he will be exempt from having to do the soccer six and will not have to pay subs. He will also only be charged £1 for training compared with £2 for everyone else.

Apparently Danny and Phil have already shown David and his wife Victoria around the local area. As you can see below, she had an excellent evening in the back room of the Hunters when she was here.

Victoria likes to shop and Danny and Phil took her to Erdington High Street and Chelmsley Wood shopping centre. She was very impressed by what she could buy for a pound at the pound shop and marked Bewise as a shop she would definitely go back to. One eye witness said “I couldn’t believe my eyes! Victoria Beckham in Chelmsley Wood. I heard her keep going on about how good looking the two guys with her were.”

It was reported that the Beckham’s were house hunting in the local area. They looked at a two up two down in Shard End and a flat with a lovely view of the M6 on the Bromford Estate. David is looking forward to playing with some of Castlehurst’s biggest stars. Apparently he always backs Dodwell whenever he’s racing and he’s an avid fan of Stu Horton’s column on this website.

A transfer fee has not yet been agreed but it is believed that there will be a swap involved. As revealed earlier in the year on this website, Fabio Cappello has long been a fan of James Steven Barry Burrows and it is believed that the deal will be that Madrid get James and Castlehurst get Beckham plus £20million.

TOYS AND DUMMIES HAVE BEEN THROWN!!!

It has been an increasingly growing concern that from the first game of the season a few players have thrown there dummies out when they have either started on the dame judy or have been brought off during the game. Not naming no names but, David Parker, organised a friendly all by himself during the pre-season. Having confirming the KO time only the day before, David, forgot about the game and arrived 10 minutes into the second half. From a phone call to the old git, David blamed Baldwin for him not getting to the game, which consequently made David throw his dummy out and then retired. David was not available for comment!!!From this, the following statement was given by the management team: " I would kindly like to remind all players from Castlehurst FC, that the club is ran mostly for fun, enjoyment and also winning. Remember the feeling of the final? Only 11 players can start each game and three subs can be made. With the squad the size of Phil's waist line in metres, 17, the team will be picked fairly, including the three subs.
The management team of the 'Good Looking Fat Bastards' will pick the starting 11 which they feel is fair and also has the main element of winning the game, with the 3 subs being rotated each week. All players will have a fair crack at obtaining a starting place with their performances on the day of the game. If you don't start the game or do get taken off, please don't take it personally we have the best interests of all players and the team in mind.

I hope no players get offended by the statement, just bare it in mind. And any comments, please let the GLFB know.
Players will be pissed off by not playing, we know that, but we do have 17 players to think about and also winning games. Please accept it, as we all know Mr Cupples couldn't, and look where he went."

Lets look forward to winning games so we can celebrate the way we usually do by drinking copious amounts of slurp, taking part in the penguin dance, and also taking the piss out of each other, as we always do, here are a few shortened:
Loggy = Lincon Log Poo, Weaver = Pingu head, Horton = Pringle, Dodwell = Red Rum, Oggy = who NOSE?, Hubbocks = Clever, Arnold = Will Young, Tooney = Mr Wonderful, Griff = Mr Potato Head, Carl Mc = Big Mc, Elliott = Pretty Boy, Duncan = Munckfish, Grogan = Terry Wogan, Pinners = Noel Edmunds,Liono,Teen Wolf,Simba, Coffman = Orangutan, Lloydy = Kenneth Williams, Flinty = Squint, Baldwin = Good Lookin Fat Man, Phil = Good Lookin Neanderthal, Chris?? = Gurna, Dave = Sally Webster (Life long honourable member).

CASTLEHURST TAKEOVER RUMOURS RIFE

There have been strong rumours that a Peruvian consortium are on the verge of a take over at Arden Hall park. The consortium have tabled a bid of 1million Iraqi Dinars (about 400 quid) which the board of directors are considering.

It is believed that the Peruvian group consider the club as a sound investment. They have been very impressed with the soccer six and the Castlehurst fantasy league. They are also looking to start shirts and merchandise sales as a result of Castlehurst’s massive world wide support.

They are very interested in using some of our star players to advertise certain products. Danny Baldwin will be signed up to promote Just For Men’s new anti-ginger beard dye. Captain James Dodwell will be used to advertise Silver Spoon sugar lumps, a favourite of horses and Donkeys across the world.

James Coffman is being lined up to be the face of Imac’s new shoulder waxing strips and Mark Hubocks will advertise the new Nintendo game that increases your brain power.

They will take advantage of Chris Parker’s supreme culinary tastes by getting him to advertise Captain Birdseye’s new line of fish cakes. Stu Flint will front a new TV show demonstrating how to live for a full year whilst only spending £30.

As you can see there are plenty of commercial opportunities for a club with players of our calibre. With the new stadium on the way and the successful offload of Richard Cupples, the club is heading in the right direction. I’m not sure we should sell. I’ve never trusted those South Americans.

Speaking of Richard Cupples, I was talking to the manager of Hilbernian and I asked him how he was getting on. He compared his usefulness to a chocolate teapot. He also talked about what he has done for team spirit. There have been four attempted suicides and one has actually moved to Afghanistan since he arrived at the club. I miss him already because I’m running out of things to write about.

EARLY RETIREMENT FOR OLD TIMER

Yes, it's official, David Ian Parker has finally hung up Tony Pitts boots with the confirmation of his retirement from Sunday league football. Thank bleedin god i hear you all say.

Dave, as he is commonly known as, brought endurance, finesse, and style to the team, with his long strawberry blonde mop and 1990's style boots, Dave looked more like a player from the 1960's and played like a member from the disability league. His pace seemed to let him down as many of the opposition breezed past him whilst strolling back to there own half, and his hair was almost always offside before his size 5 feet were.

David, 26 (pictured), commented on his time with Castlehurst by saying "My time with the club has been a pleasurable and an eventful one. I have helped them to win one of the most prestigious cup in world football, and also contributed to the defeat in the cup final by playing absolutely pony throughout the game."

We tried to pull Dave around from the idea of retirement, however, all parties found it was in the best interests of the team and for Dave for him to piss off, as we wanted to win the league and more cups this year.

In his time Dave has had many highlights: 1) Scoring one of the best goals the club has ever seen at Rectory Park last season. Full on volley on the edge of the area, lobbing the keeper on his goal line. Exquisite!! 2) Coming off at half time 3) Not playing at all.

Dave also commented on his relationship with the management, "Baldwin and Phil are the best fat bastards i have ever played for. The both remind me strongly as Mike Bassett, however, Baldwin has the biggest derby and Phil looks more like Jeff Winter with the football brains similar to Carl Green. Although i did tell Baldwin he has a shit beard, and he can shove Castlehurst up his bollocks, we did get on well." He further added " My announcement of retirement will do me a favour as i continually want to get bolloxed on Red Stripe and meet loads of fat ugly women to pleasure on a saturday night."
Dave has left his retirement open and said that if we were ever desperate he would dust off his boots, and we would have to be, as Baldwin and Phil would be the next best thing.
Thanks to David in all his time with the club, and a memorial statue has been planned which will stand 4 foot from the floor, however we are waiting for hair donations from Richard Cupples to add to the life size statue.
Cheers Dave, a lifetime supply from Vidal Sassoon will be on it's way, and a comb.

RICHARD CUPPLES LEAVES CASTLEHURST

It has recently become known that Richard Cupples has finally given up his fight to get into the Castlehurst team. After many unsuccessful trials with a series of local women's and under 12 sides, he decided to take a big step down and join Hilbernian Rangers.

Richard, pictured below with his family, took the decision to join Hilbernian in an effort to secure first team football.

Born the son of a Milkman, the 24 year old part time beautician had been with Castlehurst since the very beginning when we were desperate for players. He used to play on the left wing because he was the only member of the team that could use his left foot. Before you start wondering how he got a starting place every week let me remind you that both me and Tony Pitt used to get a starting place back then! Considering that Tony used to smoke 400 fags a day and was quite often drunk on the field, his 'starting place' isn't quite so impressive. Then there was me. I've got the turning circle of a Boeing 747 and the acceleration of a dead slug. So as you can tell Richard didn't have too much competition for his place.

Then came the 'Castlehurst era'. A new wave of young, fit and slightly talented players flooded onto our books. Coupled with the best of the Coach and Horses era, the team started to look a more formidable proposition.

After time the players became sick of tripping over the toys and dummies that Richard had thrown out of his pram onto the pitch after falling out with a series of referees. By this time the Castle Bromwich Girl Guides troop netball team were watching Richard very closely. He had impressed them with his girlish rants and it was thought that because of his lovely blond locks and incredibly small penis, he could be passed off as one of them.

Richard is a very wealthy individual and makes a really good living as a door to door salesman. He does like to flash the cash and is forever boasting about his all night chardonnay benders at male strip clubs and his trips around the world to various gay rights parades. He once visited the pantomime 7 times purely because his hero, Julian Clary, was starring in it.

His favourite food is mince.

In the summer he plays cricket. I'm not sure which team he plays for but I do know that when the opposition are short he's got no problem with 'batting for the other side'.

Below are a list of the highlights of Richard Cupples' glittering Castlehurst Career:

AUG 2005: Signed for Castlehurst

SEP 2006: Signed for Hilbernian

The End

CASTLEHURST SHOW AMAZING BOUNCEBACKABILITY

Castlehurst yesterday bounced back from last Sundays agonising 4-1 defeat by beating a team from the top tier of the Sutton League in our equivalent of the FA cup.

Amazingly Castlehurst managed to beat Pheasey Athletic 5-1. Pheasey Athletic, who are 37 league places above us, were stunned by our supremely silky skills and slick passing and movement. The performance of Castlehurst was reminiscent of Brazil in the 1970 World Cup.

In what was a glorious victory James 'the goal machine' Coffman bagged a brace, Christopher Lloyd got one, there was a stunner by Duncan 'much better looking than Luke Chadwick' Goldie and there was an own goal which was credited to Mark 'tell it like it fuckin is' Griffin, even though he wasn't on the pitch at the time.

One passer by said to me "the team in red are fucking brilliant. It's like watching poetry in motion". Another passer by asked me "could you tell me where the nearest boozer is please mate?". I said "Your looking at him pal".

Above all the silky skills and lovely goals were the tactics. There was no doubt that this was a tactical victory. Sir Alex Ferguson gave me and Danny a ring after the game and we gave him some vital tips which helped him beat Newcastle and put Man Utd back on top of the Premiership.

It reminds me of the time Marcello Lippi phoned me up after Italy had just stumbled past Australia in the World Cup. I gave him one or two pointers and apparently they went on to win the competition.

It happened last year when some Dutch bloke called Frank phone me up. He lived in Barcelona. We had a twenty minute conversation about how to win football matches and his team went on to do very well in a couple of competitions last season.

I only wish the weather was as good as the football yesterday. Now I know what a wet flannel feels like. It pissed down! I've gotten less wet under some power showers! I also had no coat. The Deputy manager Chris Parker showed his commitment to the team by running off home at the first sign that it was spitting.

Despite the weather it was still a glorious morning. We march on to round 2 of the Challenge cup and our little hiccup last week is long forgotten. So up the Castlehurst and Shit on the Cupples' team! I can't even remember what they're called?? Hilly Burn Ian I think??