CASTLEHURST TO GET NEW STADIUM

The Castlehurst board have just announced plans for a new 76,125 seater stadium to be built on the site of Arden Hall, also known as the field of dreams. The planned stadium will cost in the region of £275 million so please keep doing those soccer sixes.

We are currently looking for planning permission and have applied to the local Parish council. However we have been told that we need to settle our £200 deficit for this years pitch rental before they consider the application. The plans involve knocking down several houses within the local vicinity and there will also need to be a demolition of number 20A Freezely road in Shard End for technical reasons.

Below is a picture of what the new stadium will look like.



Our plans involve turning the Farthings Pub into a super Casino with a 7 star hotel on the side of it. The Bradford Arms will become a Stringfellows night club complete with dancing girls and the Croft, our HQ, will have another 42 floors built on top of it.

The decision to try for the new stadium/club village was made after the board saw Sunday’s unbelievable away support. There were no fewer than 9 Castlehurst fans pitch side for the defeat at Rectory Park.

No new stadium would be complete without a squad of especially good looking cheerleaders. If you know anyone who would fit the description of ‘especially good looking splitarse’ then direct them to the croft. Me and Danny will be holding private auditions all next week. Again for technical reasons, we do require the audition to involve the potential cheer leader ending up fully naked.

WE LET THE BASTARDS WIN!!

The Castlehurst promotion train derailed slightly today in a messy battle at Rectory park. Unfortunately we ended up losing 4-1 to the right said Fred fan club's XI aka Highcroft social.

We gave them a two goal head start early in the game, then started playing and scored a late first half goal, only to concede another even later in that half. During the second half I took over as referee and that's where our problems started. One of the Highcroft players got sneezed on in the centre circle and hit the deck like a sack of Maris Pipers. REFEREE! I heard them cry. I let the game play on and a very nice young man came mincing over and called me a cheat! I explained to him that I've always been faithful to my girlfriend and to take it back!

Later in the half one of the Highcroft players went shoulder to shoulder with the man mountain Lloydy and was duley wrestled off the ball. I thought Shane Ward had just walked on to the touch line as their players suddenly started girlishly screaming. My first thoughts were that they had just realised John Arnold looks rather like Will Young and couldn't contain their excitement. It turns out that they thought that Lloydy, a man that weighs three stone dripping wet, forced their player to the ground. I gave nothing and got a roasting. I managed to calm down most of them by promising them tickets for the Take That tour if they'd just calm down.

As the half went on I had a vision of what it would be like to have 11 teenage daughters. There were tears, tantrums and handbags flying everywhere. I had a shocking game. It's harder than it looks trying to control 11 prats on day release from Forest Oak Girls school.

One of there players went down twice with a broken finger nail and severely swollen derby, although I think the latter is a permanent injury. I also noticed one player turbo mince to the changing rooms to fix a ladder in his tights.

The final insult came late on in the game when a player went down injured and the ball was knocked out for a throw in. When play resumed we naturally threw the ball to their player who had said he would kick it back to our keeper. Upon receiving the ball, the player, who looked like, and ran like Andy Peters sportingly took the ball into our area and slotted it past our keeper to make it 4-1 to them. Mr Peters then celebrated with his fellow team mates spouting something about Ed the Duck and them not knocking the ball out or some crap like that.

We eventually lost the game 4-1 and it was a disappointing day all in which was made worse when Andy Peters refused me an autograph. It's embarrassing to say we were beaten in such a way but these things happen and its either laugh about it or do a Highcroft and cry like a baby.

BUNG CLAIMS ROCK CASTLEHURST

Castlehurst Football Club has been rocked by recent 'transfer bung' allegations. It is alleged that club manager Daniel 'good looking fat bastard' Baldwin has been accepting payments and lavish hospitality in exchange for taking players onto the Castlehurst books. The incidents in question have apparently been going on since the beginning of last season.

On one occasion it is alleged that Mr Baldwin accepted luxurious hospitality in the form of up to three lunch time meals at the big wok in Birmingham city centre. He was driven there in a luxury leather seated H reg Vaxhaull Cavalier and enjoyed free nights in the city's formula 1 hotel in Small Heath.

On another occasion he is alleged to have accepted a cheque for £4.75 as well as Mcdonalds money off vouchers to the value of £20! This was in exchange for taking on the ageing midfielder Dave Parker last season.

In a more recent event it wasn't Danny Baldwin but his deputy Chris Parker who accepted a 'bung' consisting of 4 fish cakes 8 pints of lager and a packet of plain crisps.

Finally there is Phil Ryan who received goods to the amount of £8 which included a Ford Escort car, which he still drives, and a Blues shirt signed by Robbie Savage.

Despite the offer of a cheque for £1 million to each Castlehurst board member, Richard Cupples has yet to be signed up this season.

PLAYER PROFILE PICTURE

PLAYER PROFILE - MARK HUBBOCKS

Mark Charles Hubbocks is a giant figure in Castlhursts squad. That’s probably why he carries many other names when people call him. Bollocks, Buttocks, Hubble Bubble are just a few.

Buttocks has a huge resemblance to the good old Rodney Trotter, looks and mentality. Buttocks proves his great mental ability by placing a £20 bet on a particular horse, but seconds later, forgetting the name of the horse and placing it on another insignificant one. Also buttocks decided to take a walk to the betting shop he previously had visited the day before with a small group of his pals. 1 hour later, we hadn’t found the book house and had walked past the same road sign 4 times, with Hubble bubble, scratching his head and stating “I don’t believe it….. it was round here yesterday”.

The boy Bollocks when enters the field of play turns into a different bubble. Tackles go flying in, defence splitting passes are set in motion, hundreds of shots on target and the vocal element he brings is immense. And then the lanky dopey git wakes up.
Taking nothing away from buttocks, he brings strength, aerial prowess and a massive consideration to the running part of the game. The statement “I just kept running” has been mentioned many a time.

From an early age Hubbocks has enjoyed the game of football. Supporting Aston Villa and playing for Birmingham City Centre of Excellence, the lad has grown in stature and brilliance. Some say that as buttocks has matured his IQ has lowered, from a result of constant ball headering, and walking into clear glass doors.
From bollocks’ exploits and general personality two films have been made in honour of him. Both are pictured.

One of the funniest and most humorous moments I have ever been involved with is a conversation between Bollocks and James Steven Barry Burrows. The chat involved was electric. Not a single word was understood and the conversation changed that rapidly it was hard to keep up with a grunt and a mumble here and there; as I know they did not talk about the weather or anything that complicated. Once Burrows did come out with, “Buttocks, I’d love to shag your mrs,” with buttocks replying “who??!!” with a confused look on his face.
Everyone knows that Buttocks is so in love with his girlfriend Charlotte, he must keep her happy somehow, as he only know the missionary sexual position. The others must seem too complicated for him to get into. And I hear he loves to go ‘eggin’ with girlfriend in and around Birmingham, what an interesting time they must have together, just imagine the conversation!!!!!

As already stated, Mark (yes that’s bollocks) is a huge Villa fan and loves turning up to training wearing some part of his favourite football strip, and footwear. Once, Buttocks left a brand new pair of Lacoste trainers on the bus, heading back from town. As he remembered leaving them on the bus, he frantically chased after the bus. Only problem being, it was 20 minutes since the bus had left. Who do you think you are I ask? Forrest Gump?

God bless you Hubble Bubble, you’re a top lad, and a great addition to the team. But for Christ sake, please get some sense!!!!

BUENOS DIAS SENORITAS!

Here I am in Spain on an important scouting mission to find Castlehurst´s next superstar. I am currently tracking a one legged Spaniard by the name of Pablo. I view him as a permanent replacement for Richard Cupples. Like Richard he is left footed (well he had to be really) similarly he only has one foot. Having spoken to Pablo he has agreed to sign a contract in which he will receive 2 straw donkeys and a pair of castanets. One small draw back is that Pablo is slowly going blind but as Richard has slantier eyes than Stan at our local Chinese his sight will probably be a strength!

The search goes on. I have to rush off! I´ve got a date tonight with 12 jugs of sangria. I´ll see you at the next match hopefully Pablo will join me in the directors box.

Adios!