DEAR CASTLEHURST

This section is where our loyal players and fans can ask the club management anything they want. Whether it be advice on what pair of pants to buy, or why does Phil Ryan not play every week its up to you. Enter your questions in the comments section below this article.

Here are a few examples of some letters we have had already.

Dear Castlehurst,

I have recently discovered my son enjoys dressing up in my clothes and parading around the house. As my son is a man and I am a woman this seems to me to be a little strange. What should I do?

Yours sincerely

Greeny's Mom


Dear Castlehurst

I have been wondering why I have such a small penis. When it is fully erect it measure's 1 and 3 quarter inches. I even have to sit down on the toilet to go for a piss. Some people think I have a third nipple! Please Help!

Yours Sincerely

Mr R Cupples

CAPTAIN MARVELL WANTS THE TITLE

Club captain James Dodwell, pictured above, has revealed his ambitions for the club this season. He has told us that nothing less than the title will do this season.

Fresh from winning the 3.45 at Wincanton he is chomping at the bit (literally)
for the new season. As you can appreciate he has plenty of pace. He said "with the squad we have, provided we can offload Richard Cupples, we shouldn't lose a game next season." I am sure that if we do suffer any defeats, he will be able take it on his chin!

James Dodwell, who is almost as good looking as me, has been a loyal servant to the club and has always turned up for training despite having to travel around the country to places like Uttoxeter, Pontefract and Newmarket as part of his successful career.

Frankie Dettorie, famous jockey and close friend of Dodwell has backed the player to shine this season. He said last night "James has plenty of pace and stamina. He is a real work horse. I am backing Castlehurst all the way this season. I will also be entering my team in their fantasy league. I couldn't resist the chance to take part in such a great competition. I just hope I win the life changing prize money on offer."


The quotes attributed to Mr Frankie Dettorie are made up. He may well admire the club but there is no way of knowing and I have no proof that he does. The picture of James Dodwell is also not a real picture of him despite the incredible likeness. Castlehurst F.C. would like to apologise for any offence caused to the horse in the picture.

PRE-SEASON TRAINING UPDATE

Over the past three weeks the lads have been training hard at our summer training facility in Castle Bromwich. The squad is looking as good as ever with one or two new faces joining the ranks.

Notable by his abscence has been Richard Cupples. He has yet to report in for pre-season training. Manager Danny Baldwin told us yesterday that this is the best pre-season Cupples has ever had. All this despite him not showing for a single session.

New Aquasition Mr Craig Goldie worryingly limped off for the second session running with a thigh strain. He is being rushed to Lilleshall as I speak and will hopefully be back in action by the end of the pre-season tour of Castle Bromwich.

One worry is that the chairman Phil Ryan failed to take part this week sparking fears that he may not be playing this season. One fan said "If Phil doesn't play next season, I'm handing back my season ticket!" He went on to say "We've got to build the team around players like Phil. Thats the only way we can win things"

All eyes are on this Sunday's friendly clash with the Coach at Castlehurst's high tech summer training facility. The starting line up will be announced 30 minutes before kickoff which is at 12pm.

OFFLOAD ATTEMPTS FAIL

Attempts to offload troubled midfielder Richard Cupples have so far failed. Despite each player offering £2000 of their own money to the club that agrees to take him we still have no takers. He has fell out of favour at the club since finally admitting his penchant for men's arses earlier in the year.

Richard Cupplets was unable to comment last as he was attending a Hen night. There has been some confusion on the team sheet of late as he often changes his name to Suzie on the weekend. Negotiations are continuing.

ABOVE: Richard leaving the Hen night late last night

BURROWS TURNS DOWN MADRID

James Steven Barry Burrows has shunned the advances of Real Madrid who are after his services for next season. He announced late last night that he will be committing his long term future to Castlehurst.

The tall but agile all rounder was the subject of a 52.5 pence offer from the Spanish giants. After a long talk with his family and his super model girlfriend, he decided that his heart belongs here at Castlehurst.

Fabio Cappello was said to be devastated at the break down in negotiations. He said last night "Although we are very sad at James' decision not to move, we respect his decision. Castlehurst are a massive club and one I admire very much. I just hope that they will still accept my entry to their fantasy league where there are fantastic prizes to be won and it is only £5 per team."

It is thought that Cappello will now turn his attentions to his second choice signing, Kaka of Brazil and AC Milan.

The above story is entirely made up. Any references to Real Madrid and Fabio Cappelo are entirely fictional. By the same token any references to James burrows having a super model girlfriend are also false and of a fictional nature.

THE NEW DM JOINS THE MANAGMENT BOARD

With the great success of last season, the managment team felt new zest was needed in the managment team. So we required the services of a new Deputy Manager. Innovation, passion, desire, energy and above all attractiveness was asked for, and the CV's came flooding in, and yet again Craig 'Burt' Howard was turned down, he added a little too much campness. Carl 'Apu' Green failed to speak the desired language.
It is with my greatest pleasure to announce the new DM as you've probably guest from his pic. Please welcome the one and only Christopher 'Gurna' Parker.
The boy Gurn will bring experience of fishcakes, face pulling and gambling and will also be the slimest, but not so GOOOOOOOD LOOOOKIN member of the board.
Welcome the Gurn, as he will not be standing any shite, however, he will be bribed easily, with either a Dairy Milk bar, Plain Crisps, Bangers and Mash or a toilet seat.

CASTLEHURTS FANTASY LEAGUE

Enter your team for the Castlehurst fantasy league now using this link. Entries will cost a fiver per team, pay either Phil or Danny. Hopefully there will be a substantial prize at the end of it for the winner but that all depends on how many people enter so try to get as many of your friends and family as you can to enter a team. Please give all the team names you get to Phil or Danny along with the £5 per team. The deadline is the 27th July. Here are the instructions to joining our league via the link above. You will automatically be entered in for the official premiere league fantasy league.


First of all you need to register yourself on the site by following the instructions. Once you have logged in and entered your team, click on the 'Leagues'
link you can find on the the right of the page. Now enter the code
127118-25622 to join the private league

WELCOME TO CASTLEHURST

This is the Castlehurst F.C. official website where all our 43 fans can find out more about this glorious club. I will be posting player profiles, League tables and pictures on this site in the near future. You can also write stuff on this site by leaving a comment. What we need most at the moment is money so if you have any spare please give it to us. We will only be accepting cheques for £200 or more or cash in £50 notes only. If you have no cash we can accept gifts I.E. the deeds to your house or your car. Anything would be appreciated as long as it is substantial

BUY SHARES IN CASTLEHURST

Now that we've gone global we've decided to float the club and sell shares in the beauty. As you can see in the management section, we are a very valuable club. We have informed the London and New York stock exchanges and they are ready for a high demand.

The shares will be priced at £2500 each initially and we will be making 1.4 million available. So buy now to save disappointment.

We will be spending the money on a new set of corner flags, some linesman's flags, a new whistle and 3 million pints of lager along with a glass of chardonnay for cupples. This is your chance to put something back and own a share of your club so please give generously.

THE FIELD OF DREAMS

This is where the magic happens every other Sunday morning. It is called Arden Hall Park. It has been our home since we have started. Much the same as the San Siro in Milan, we have a ground share situation. The club house is very nice but what ever you do, have a tom tit before you leave the house if you need one as it is not a pleasant experience having one here at Arden Hall I can tell you. I'd rather live inside a camel's arse for two weeks than do that again!

Our record crowd at home last season was somewhere around the 9 mark if you count the substitutes, so we're hoping to beat that this year. Your welcome to come along and the good news is that the first 2000 people through the gates get in free. After that it is £45 per ticket, no concessions, no refunds. So make sure you get there early just in case!