PREMIER LEAGUE WANT CASTLEHURST REVIVAL

With all the talk in the media about the premier league wanting an extra fixture for each team to be played abroad, some have been asking the question, “How will this work”. It was first suggested a load of bollocks idea that we’d draw teams out of a hat and some would be seeded and all that crap. That idea was thrown out by most people as unworkable, or in other words an absolute load of old shite. However, the news coming out of the premier league HQ is the suggestion that the 39th game for each club should be played against a team outside of the football league from the amateur game. Since this suggestion Castlehurst FC Est 2005 have been on the top of every major newspapers’ and pundits’ list as the team that should become the 21st team in the Prem.

I received a call from Mr Scudamore late last night begging me to try to reform the old team which included such Sunday league superstars as Stuart “ping pong bollocks” Horton and Duncan “the bastard” Goldie. At one point he started crying which I thought was a bit much so I agreed to give it a go. I managed to broker a provisional deal with Mr S in which the club would receive an initial payment of £25 million so that I can clear my bar tab at the coach and horses. The rest of the money will go towards the manager Danny Baldwin’s lunch expenses and buying Dave Parker a new heart and lungs of some dodgy Turkish geezer so he’ll be able to play again.

Upon hearing the news premier league managers reacted positively to the media. Harry Redknapp hailed it as a momentous achievement if this goes ahead. Speaking to the Sun newspaper Harry said “I’m as excited as a puff with a bag of dicks about this news. Initially I was against the idea of a 39th league game abroad but if Castlehurst come on board it changes everything. Some of my lads grew up dreaming of matches like this. Can you imagine facing such players as Mark Griffin and Stuart Flint. It’ll be a real test for any premier league team.” Sir Alex Ferguson said to sky sports news “This is great news. If it does happen I can see all those James Steven Barry Burrows shirts flying off the shelves in places like Sydney and Kuala Lumpa. It’ll be like playing in the champions league final year after year.”

The countries linked with hosting some of the extra games are also delighted. The president of Malaysia Cock Piss Wi said “When I heard the news I was like a dog with two dicks.”

Fabio Capello’s ears were pricked up when he heard the news. The Italian bastard who is the current England manager has been looking to make wholesale changes to his team and the reformation of the Castlehurst squad would give him 16 new players to choose from. Stuart Horton would of course be ineligible for call up because of that 10 minutes he played for his home nation the people’s republic of Congo back in 2006. The return of Castlehurst would of course also mean the return of his favourite ever player James Steven Barry Burrows. The flamboyant all rounder was courted by MrCappello when he was manger of Spanish minnows Real Madrid. At the time Castlehurst rejected a multi million pound offer for the player.

I can’t see it happening myself though as we used to struggle to get players to turn up 200 yards from their homes on a Sunday morning. As soon as some of them see what’s on offer in some of these bars in south east Asia I don’t think we’d see the bastards again let alone expect them there for kick off. I think I’ll let the premier league know they can stick it up their bollocks.

CASTLEHURST PLAYERS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW

Since the demise of the club in the early part of 2007 the Castlehurst players have mostly stayed in touch with each other and the management team. We will be writing about their journeys thru the last 12 months since the end of the glory days of Castlehurst. We will start with an old crowd favourite…..

RICHARD CUPPLES

Since being dropped from the Castlehurst squad in 2006/2007 season for being crap at football the bi-sexual left footer has had an interesting time. Initially he joined Castlehurst’s local rivals Hillbernian in a move which included a substantial compensation package for Hillbernian. He started a few games for the relegation contenders even bagging a consolation goal for them against us in a 5-1 thrashing. He was eventually forced out of the club after they moved to the Skegness and district Sunday league without telling him.

Since he hung up his size 2 and a half puma king boots in 2007 Cupples has focused his attention on his career as a door to door salesman where he terrorises little old ladies into giving him their pension money. He has also now changed his sport of choice to the game of cricket, a game which has been in decline since he took it up. He plays for the castle Bromwich cricket club in the 4th team reserves where he ‘opens the bowling’. Presumably this is to get his stint out of the way so they can get on with trying to win the match. He is then tucked out of the way tight on the boundary where opposition batsmen are offered bonuses of up to £500 if they can hit him in the Cannock. There is also an accumulating bonus pot for the man who can catch him square in the bollocks with the cricket ball. As this is a very small and difficult target to hit, the pot now stands at £14000. I personally pledged 4 grand of that myself. The thinking behind this is that if you hit him hard enough it might rule out the danger of him reproducing one day which, lets face it, is a bigger worry than climate change.

He also has a very successful part time career doing the before pictures for the advance hair studio. There’s more hair on Duncan Goodhew’s bell end than there is on that bonse of his. He’s also got no pubes.

He recently spent 3 months working with teenagers in the welsh town of Bridgend. That town has subsequently been in the news so you might want to look that up.

In summary Richard has had an eventful 12 months. He still shows his face down the coach and horses public house from time to time where he is usually greeted with a round of F’s by the regulars and most of the bar staff. He usually comes when the disco is on at the weekend making several requests for ABBA chesney hawkes and the cheeky girls. He dances round like an extra from the wedding singer for a couple of hours, has 4 J20 spritzers, passes out, pisses his pants then gets carried home. Just a regular Saturday night out.. God bless u Cupples.

MISSING PERSON

£2.73 REWARD

Has anyone seen this man. We can't write about where he is now because no cunt knows where he is now. He was last seen wearing a British Gas uniform in the William Hill book house, Castle Bromwich