PLAYER PROFILE PICTURE - James Coffman

James Ross Coffman

Orangutan

PLAYER PROFILE: James Coffman

James Coffman has been with us when our amateur footballing days started, back in the year of 2001. The boy with the Grand Visage, was one of the top strikers in the league in the early years, hitting the onion bag with over 15 goals for the season, then the big faced man himself fell in love with ROAST BEEF, visiting wedding receptions/birthday parties/bbq’s every other weekend has took it’s toll on the well developed individual. Now James has the turning circle of a HGV and the speed of a three wheeler tugging a caravan.

James is a fully committed player and member of the team and has great attributes in his locker. James on his day when not kicking the ball into his own face can score goals, tackle and as he possess a unique huge arse it allows him to win most balls in the air. Also James has one of the biggest mouths known to man which propels his voice to high decibels as the sound meter in the coach showed by turning red and hitting its peak constantly when ever James spoke, but to hear him on the pitch is a rarity except to hear screams, shrieks, arrrghs and his impressions of Joe Pasquale when addressing the ref.

James could quite easily be compared to a member of the ape species (pictured) as his long term girlfriend, Hayley (member of the WAG’s club) often comments about his animal behaviour in the bedroom, whilst listening to Enrique Inglasias, and his speed in completing his roast beef dinners.
Socially James loves a gamble. In the betting shop every day (yes, whilst at graft) earning money on the roulette machine, and sticking his incredible derby out to anyone he knows.
For fun the orang-utan visits St Andrews for a swing and to watch so called football, visits the boozer for the all dayers, lasting around 3 hours, grafting his copper conkers off working overtime most weekends to fund his new purchase of a house, where he will create new episodes for the discovery channel, and gorillas in the mist part 2.
King Louie, Grand Visage we love you and hope you bang at least 1 goal this season.

HIT THE BAR with Stu Horton

Well, we are now just days away from the opening league game of the new season. The pre-season campaign has been something of a ‘mixed bag’, with only a handful of goals being scored, amidst a couple of demoralising defeats. The concluding friendly match, however, saw a comprehensive 5-1 Castlehurst victory. A triumph which included a clinical hat-trick from striker, James Coffman – an occurrence so rare, James still refuses to believe it himself. The game was also memorable for a cameo goalkeeping appearance from friend of the club, and marrow enthusiast, James burrows (aka Ginge). Diving swallow-like through the air, and throwing himself onto the ground, Ginge would go to whatever lengths to avoid the muddy, fast-moving ball. With a few uncertainties about the goalkeeping position for the opening few games, perhaps James’ old-school style of goalkeeping will feature in the Castlehurst league campaign.

As the new season is just around the corner. Player fitness is a key factor, if Castlehurst FC are to be successful. I am a firm believer that examples of high fitness and exceptional health should come from the very top. And here at Castlehurst, we have the best men around:

- First there is club chairman, Phil Ryan, a man who will regularly drive his car down to the pub on a Friday night, and not collect it again until the working Monday morning. My guess is that during this period, he is never actually anywhere near the physical state, required by the law, to drive the vehicle home.

- Then there is the club MD, Gurner. A man who is sometimes, unfairly labelled lazy, yet, in my experience, only ever breaks into aggressive, heart-threatening sweat when asked to perform such gruelling tasks as changing the channel on the remote control, or turning the page of his broadsheet newspaper. (I am being sarcastic of course. Gurner has never, or - I hazard a guess - will never own a broadsheet newspaper.)

- Finally there is the manager, Danny Baldwin. A keen sportsman – hungry for sucess, and with an enormous appetite for outdoor fitness, Danny believes that sensible diet is the key factor in a good fitness regime. This could not have been better demonstrated when I once witnessed Danny go ballistic at a young waitress because she told him that he was only allowed three of the seven choices of meat available at a country pub carvery, we once visited. Disciplined to the core, I think you’ll agree.

Well, you’ll hear from me again once the new season has kicked off. I haven’t been at the bar much recently. In fact, I’ve just returned from the V – music festival, which I attended with a number of my Castlehurst team-mates, one of which was Dave Parker. Dave was delighted to watch a performance from one of his heros, Morrissey, during the festival. This, on top of seeing another one of his favourites at last years’ festival, Scissor Sisters. If only Dave had been born a decade earlier, he would have got to see a number of his favourite artists at the peak of their talent and fame, including: Queen, Elton John, Wham, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and Right Said Fred. We can only hope that a new-wave of gay rock will tunnel its way through in Dave’s direction.

Laters.

CASTLEHURST DUO TURN DOWN FASHION GIANT

Two of the Castlehurst management team yesterday turned down a lucrative contract with Armani. The duo, noticeable on the sideline because of their boyish good looks and rather large waist lines, had been lined up for the fashion houses' new multi million pound ad campaign. Mr Armani was over heard saying "Those two fat bastards are so god damn good looking! The women love them." They weigh in at just over a metric tonne between them and were once mistaken for a pair of sperm whales on a recent trip to Blackpool.
Phil Ryan, who was recently voted the sexiest man in the room at a convention for facially disfigured people, was said to be flattered by the offer, but firmly focused on getting Castlehurst into the big time (Sutton Division 3). He is also said to be concentrating on his career as the before picture in the Slimfast adverts.

THE INTERMEDIATE CUP

This is the glorious 'Intermediate Bowl'. We are the proud holders of this wonderful and sort after trophy. Made of solid tin with an MDF base, its value runs well into the 'pounds' category.

As the competition was based on a handicap league basis, there was no knockout stage. We won two games and lost one and still one the cup??

I believe it was a Nicholas Pinfold strike that won it for us, as his was the strike that beat Hilbernian Rangers in our last game of the cup campaign. Here he is pictured below after hearing the news that we'd won the cup.

As you can see he is delighted. Danny and I recently offered him a new deal with the club. He kept us hanging on and eventually we just had to say what will it be chap? Deal or no Deal?

Another man who was delighted with our victory is manager, Danny Baldwin. The original good lookin' fat bastard aparently wept with pride when he heard the news of the victory. He is pictured below with the glorious trophy.

The above picture was taken at our lavish and expensive presentation evening. During this extravegant evening there were two awards presented, the players' player of the year and the Manager's player of the year. The manager's player was John Arnold and the players' player was Mr James 'Ian' Dodwell.

Below is part of our team at the party celebrating with the cup. As you can see there were several celebrities there including Noel Edmonds, Jude Law and ex Villa player, Fernando Nelson.

CLUB SHOP

The Castlehurst club shop is now open for business. It will be operating from the boot of my Ford Escort and is somewhere for all those fans to pick up memorabilia and club merchandise. Below is a list of products you can buy for incredibly reasonable prices.

A lock of Stu Horton’s hair: Low in stock

A lock of Richard Cupples’ Hair: Very Low in stock but more on the way thanks to AHS

A day at the Horse races Courtesy of James Dodwell

Tickets to Deal or No Deal courtesy of Nicholas Pinfold

Tickets to see Mark Hubbocks on Mastermind: £Priceless

Singing lessons with Will Young courtesy of John Arnold

A lock of Dave Parker’s hair: Clearance sale as too much stock to fit in the warehouse

Phil Ryan's Ford Escort: £1.75

A large selection of toilet seats courtesy of Chris Parker

THE LEAGUE

As you can see we currently sit 3rd in the league. Next year we are thinking of changing our name to AAA UTD just so we can secure top spot for at least the start of the season.

I expect us to rise like a salmon to the top of the league and stay there. This time next year we could be looking at the dizzy heights of the Sutton league division 3, the 42,256th tier of English football.

As you can see there are some new teams to the league this year. However our bogey team, Foley, remain annoyingly present in our division. We lost to them twice last year and one of those was a 4-1 drubbing at Rectory park. I and several others believe that Richard Cupples was solely to blame for both the defeats and all goals conceded so hopefully, if the offload goes to plan, we might have a chance this year.

Hopefully our cup run will be a little easier on the old ring piece this year. We didn't make it easy on mine last season. With a 1-0 win in the quarters and 2 late goals in the semis the pair of pants I wore at each game have unfortunately had to be destroyed.

Trouble is, theres more chance of Richard Cupples NOT throwing up after 3 glasses of chardonnay than us making it easy for ourselves.

We have had one or two convincing victories however. I'll always remember beating Aston Old Eds 9-1. I was refereeing that day but that had nothing to do with it. I actually disallowed a goal! Our man of the match was there keeper. He bagged a brace for us and was as much use to them as a 12 inch cock is to a paraplegic. He was so bad, even Richard Cupples bagged a Hatrick past him. I'm sorry but thats just unforgivable.

Then there was both games against Sutton Locomotive. Unfortunately I was not present for either game. What a BASTARD! The second game we had 6 first teamers out and still trounced them.

HIT THE BAR with Stu Horton

It is always nice to read the sporting views of a young, well-educated and eloquent journalist. In absence of this, I have been asked to write a column (sporadically, over the season) for our fast-develpoing web site.

Well, Castlehurst were back in action on Sunday, albeit in our first pre-season friendly. A re-run of last season's Adam Dauncey cup final, saw us pitted against Coach FC, on the Park Hall playing fields.

The day started on a bad note though, with an injury to Richard Cupples - one of the best blonde, left-footers in the squad - ruling him out of the game. Richard 'hurt his toe' during the pre-match kickabout with club MD and keeper warmerupper, Gurner. This is one in a long line of injuries for the flamboyant 'wide-man', which includes a bruised fingernail, the sniffles, and a severely dented pride.

Castlehurst won the game 1-0, and there were a fair few positives to come out of it. There were good performances from the two debutants, Ryan Grogan and Ben Toon, the latter of who actually scored the winning goal. The animated Toon struck a low, deflected shot into the corner, midway through the first half.
There was also an outfield debut for former goalkeeper and vest fanatic, Kevin Weaver. Slick, stylish, and the fastest thing I'd seen all day. After finishing playing with his new BMW, Weaver joined up with the Castlehurst midfield, and showed some very nice touches in the middle of the park.

Coach FC never really offered that much in terms of opposition. Although, most notable, was their talisman centre forward. A short, bald, annoying bloke called Nigel. 'Nige' coughed, spluttered, shirt-pulled, farted, shouted, appealed and whinged his way through the ninety minutes. How irritating was this man? Lets say that i'd rather play with a tropical skin disease on my cock for the duration of the game. Thankfully, our players didn't bite to this antagonist, apart from when I tripped him up.......and when Hubbocks booted the ball at him.........

All in all a good start, and a decent platform on which to build.

Well, I'm off to the bar now. Spare a thought for Mark Hubbocks. After being at Jon Arnold's wedding do (last week) for just one hour, he thru-up on himself. In an attempt to disguise the embarrassment, he rubbed the vomit into his clothes, perhaps thinking that we would assume it was part of the design. Only Cupples can get away with that one, mate.
Laters.

Castlehurst 1 vs 0 The Coach

Once again the two local teams met, with all memories pushed aside from the not so glorious final. With a 15 man squad, chomping at the bit to play in our first friendly, Mr Cupples arrives for the first time this season and within 5 minutes of the starting lineup being announced, and cupples finding out he's keeping warm the Dame Judy AGAIN, he amazingly finds a bruise on the end of his toe and protests his reasons for not being able to play, i say, thank god for that bruise!!!!!
By using the role on and role off system, all players played a part in the emphatic win, which in turn allowed Dangerous Dave Parker more minutes resting, than actually playing, and also Stu '50 Cent' Squint not to collect any injuries to his finger nails or disturb the levels of acid in his body.

All players played well, however, Stu 'Cadfael' Horton failed to clear his lines for the first time in his history, and decided to push the smallest player on the pitch (not Dave Parker) to the floor, for having a similar hair style to himself. Well done Stu!!!!!

The game itself highlighted many positives. Weaver plays better in Griffs boots, just shows a poor workman cant blame his tools, Grogan can play left back, Dave is starting on the dirty wench only when the boy Toon is available and Lloydy cannot pass wind!!!!

A great goal seperated the teams from the first half, i still see it as an own goal, but the boy Toon claimed it, from his superb performance on the right side of midfield, the lad is chasing De Jauncey for the best Pretty Boy look, by using hair straighteners before kick off and carrying a small mirror in his kit bag!

The Man of the Match award, goes to player who was always in the right place at the right time, won every ball in the air and on the deck, commanded and was the loudest, most intelligent player on the pitch (this description is from his warm up which he completed on his own), well done to Mark Hubbocks (pictured) for his excellent display at the back, which kept the defense as tight as James Coffmans wallet.

A big thank you to Phil 'Jeff Winter' Ryan for a fantastic display as referee, as he kept up with play and missed Stu throwing Uncle Fester over his knee. Mr Winter nearly awarded the Coach a penalty, that was until he realised the foul was not in the area all the way from the half way line, great vision there Phil.

A good all round display and a good first game, well done lads.